Posts Tagged ‘NBA’

Sam Mitchell Has No Idea What He’s Doing

March 17, 2008

Sam Mitchell

Look I wanted Sam Mitchell fired a year ago. Then Bryan Colangelo went and turned the Raptors from one of the worst teams in the NBA into a pretty respectable one. Chris Bosh went on a diet consisting of nothing but human growth hormone and aborted Phillipino fetuses, and somehow all of that translated into Mitchell winning coach of the year. Essentially meaning that Colangelo had to wait at least one year (if the Raps had sucked comepletely this year) or more likely 2 before he fires Mitchell.

There seems to be something intrinsic to the Colangelo’s family’s DNA. They just go out and build championship teams. Bryan Colangelo is a Jedi Knight, like his father before him.

He’s done a phenomenal job of rebuilding this Raptors team. To the point where someone like me who spent a good decade actively loathing the NBA and basketball actually looks forward to watching the Raptors and chooses to watch NBA games now over NHL games. It helps that the NHL puts out a shit product that gets worse every year, and that the NBA is having one of the most interesting and competitive seasons in its history.

None of this however, belies the fact that Sam Mitchell is a horrible coach. I like the guy. He seems very affable. I think if I were at a party, I’d like to hang out with him. He seems to have a pretty good sense of humour and does a good job getting along with his players, but as a coach…he needs some seasoning.

I don’t know how many more times I can watch Andrea Bargnani post up at the 3-point line. Or be forced to watch TJ Ford bounce around the floor like like a broken Etch-a-sketch, or the disorganized melee the Raps fall into when they’re losing in the final minutes of a game. His inability to call plays to get the ball to his playmakers is beyond frustrating.


The Raptors have been getting killed on this west coast trip, and to be fair that’s not at all surprising. This is a team that just absolutely stunk 2 years ago. They’ve been rebuilt into a competitive team in a very short time. Granted they wasted their #1 overall pick on Garbage-nani, but in the Eastern Conference they’re a competitive team. They’re not an elite team like Boston or Detroit, but on any other given night they have the ability to beat anyt other team in teh conference. Unfortunately, competitive in the East means you don’t have a shot in hell at making the playoffs in teh West. Throw in the absence of Chris Bosh, and there’s no way the Raps were coming out of this trip alive.

Let me just state one thing here. Even though the Raptors lost again tonight… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD BOSH BE RUSHED BACK EARLY FROM HIS INJURY!!!!

The raptors are making the playoffs. With Bosh they have a shot of winning the first round, and becoming the fluke team of the 2nd round. Without Bosh, they couldn’t win a high school basketball tournament. The shouldn’t even give Bosh the option of coming back early. Whenever he says he’s ready, they should make him sit out another 2 games just to be sure he’s not lying. You know he’s dying watching this team lose from the bench. This is the guy that gave Vince Carter (aka fugly ass munching-cocksucking-felching queefer head) a complete stare-down, when Vince was doing his usual “Aw-shucks, gee, gosh darnit I guess we lost another one” routine. Bosh basically looked at that lazy fuck and said “I know professional athletes, and you sir are no professional athlete!”.

Btw how awesome would that be as a NBA commercial or an SNL skit. Just have Bosh looking at Carter in disgust for a full minute at how lazy his apathetic ass is.

But I digress. The point here is that watching the last couple of minutes of the Toronto-Sacramento game it’s painfully clear Mitchell has no idea what he’s doing. The Kings were allowed to waste clock with impunity in the last 2 minutes, while the Raptors trailed by multiple possessions. Then even though he had Delfino at the line shooting foul shots, Mitchell still couldn’t communicate to his players that he wanted no foul. What happens? They waste another 10 seconds and then foul anyways.

Then with the raptors done by 5, he takes Capono, the best 3-point shooter in the league out of the game, and lets Jamario Moon miss a 3. Everybody loves Moon. He’s another guy who seems like he’d be fun at a party, but no one is ever going to mistake this guy for a clutch player. He’s fun to watch, he can jump a mile, but he still makes fundamental errors with incredible frequency. You can make the rookie exscuse all you want, but the guy is like 27 years old. He’s been doing this awhile, and its unlikely he’s going to improve much further.

The Raptors kept giving up offensive boards. He could have at least tried bringing Garbage-nani into the game. Get a big body in, that (at least pretends to be able) to rebound, and can shoot a 3. Instead we end up with Moon shooting 3’s and Carlos Delfino thinking he’s the point guard out there.

I’m getting more aggravated with this, but Jose Calderon needs to step up. Quite frankly the guy is a phenomenal basketball player. Have you seen the shots of him during half time, fetching Gatorade for his teammates? It’s no coincidence that the Raptors were playing there best basketball of the season when TJ Ford was injured, and Calderon had to play all those minutes.

Jose Calderon

Calderon stepped up. He realized the team wouldn’t be able to win without him scoring. So he started shooting more, and because he was hitting his shots teams had to play him to shoot, which made his passing more effective. Looking at the guys stats, he’s the best kept secret in the league. Now that Ford is back though, Calderon is acting like the backup quarterback on a varsity team.

Jose, you’re the 2nd best player on this team. Act like it. Walk with some swagger. Act like a jerk. You deserve to.

Calderon at his best is like Steve Nash before he became STEVENASH! Considering Nash just won 2 MVPs, I’m cool with that.

(Btw does anyone else find it strange that even though LeBron is clearly having a better statistical season than Kobe, and is playing with absolutely shi-ite teammates every night, the media has already decided Kobe is winning the MVP award? Seems to me like they’re voting based on seniority and not merit)

Anyways, until Colangelo finds an exscuse to fire Mitchell and bring in a real coach, they trade TJ Ford and Garbage-nani for someone who can reboud and let Calderon play like a #1 point guard, the Raptors are not going anywhere.

The Chick Situation

So brunch with FractureGirl went pretty well. I had to leave her to go study, but managed to some PG-13 rated action before saying goodbye. She sent me a slew of text messages afterwards so clearly she thought it was going well as well.

Still very limited progress on discerning the age difference between us, but I’m going to wait until after I see her naked before I bring this up. Like I said, that’ll be the exit strategy.

I was supposed to meet Cuckoldgirl right afterwards, but she ended up bailing on me. Which was actually good, cuz I ended up getting a decent amount of studying done for a change.

No news on fantasy girl, except for the recurring hourly nightmares in my head of her lying on a couch while her boyfriend pleasures her, at the same time that she’s pointing and laughing at me.

I haven’t smoked any weed in a couple of days. Which is not to say that I haven’t still been depressed about fantasy girl, but I have noticed that my mood has been slightly better. I actually smiled today for no particular reason, while I was walking down the street listening to The Killers.


I think that’s all for now. It’s past my bedtime. I do need post this link though. It’s like “There’s Something About Mary” only…not funny. (and probably not as hot as Cameron Diaz was in that movie. Man she used to be hot)

It seriously deserves its own post but fuck you guys, i’m lazy and no one reads this shit anyways.

PS – just in case anyone is wondering I think I must have spent half of high school jerking off to this clip


If You Gotta Go…go with a smile :). The NBA, Batman, the holocaust and more. All for one low, low price!

March 5, 2008

I have absolutely no fucking idea where that picture of JACK! is from. Alls I know is, that thing is fucking scary. For some reason I find that pic more maniacal than the new shots of Heath Ledger’s Joker. Obviously after Dark Knight comes out (and rules the fucking earth!), its going to become cool to trash Jack’s Joker for Ledger’s benefit. Not so much because Ledger will be awesome (which he will be) or because he’s dead (celebrities are always cooler when they die. I’m looking at you Mr. Cobain!), but because the Dark Knight movie is going to be far superior to Burton’s Batman flick.

Basically the way this works is similar to the Lebron-Kobe discussion in the NBA. When you ask the question who is the best player in the NBA, the discussion inevitably boils down to those two guys. You can throw in your Duncans, Nowitzkis, Nashs (although not lately), Howards, Garnetts). Ultimately though, those are the two guys. Those are the two guys that can decide on any given night that they’re the best player on the court against any team, on any night, and singlehandedly win the game. They enter the Jordan zone and become untouchable. Athletes get in that zone where they just become possessed.

Pertinent Examples

1. Patrick Roy – 1993 Playoffs. Absolutely a force of nature. Once he decided that the puck would not go behind him…it would not go behind him.

2. Michael Jordan – Too Many Examples to Mention – Yeah he had some help from the referees (…on more than one occasion), but what do you expect from a league that models itself after Vince McMahon and the WWE. Yeah, I did just manage to combine Jordan and McMahon into a sentence. Why? Because I’m awesome that’s why! Oooh I did it again, I’m double awesome.

3. Tiger Woods – Golf. Golf is not really a sport. I don’t watch golf, because I assume that the only people that care about golf are people who are strapped to their wheelchairs against their wills and have their eyes propped open Clockwork Orange style. Golf is the laziest thing I can think of doing…except for watching other people play golf.

Clockwork Orange

In spite of that, I’m pretty sure that whatever it is Tiger keeps doing in front of the disabled, is basically impossible.

4. Roger Federer – What can I say, dude really knows how to play with his balls.

No I am not above a penis joke.

5. Tom Brady – 18-0 Patriot Season. Also have you seen what he’s banging? That’s just not normal.

The point being, in the NBA right now. There are 2 guys that can achieve that plateau. Kobe and Lebron. Both have the ability to dominate the game at either end of the court for the entire game. The difference is one plays for a team full of slow, broken, shitty, selfish, dumb, pukey-smelling coached by watermelon with scoliosis and “genui-ine” Leno chin and the other plays for the Lakers.

That’s what this next Batman move is going to do to the original. That’s how high my expectations are. Nolan is just a better director. He’s in the Jordan Zone (JZ…does anyone know how to make the little TM sign here?) Chris Nolan and Peter Jackson are the Kobe and Lebron of Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Well you can suck my cock. I’ve got high expectation for this movie.

Kinda like I had high expectations for dreamgirl. Who I’ve decided to rename. The name dreamgirl is too generic and too flattering. I need a name that somehow combines how unbelievably perfect she is, while subtly reminding people that she ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and stomped on it with her heels. You know, something sexy.

Anyways, still no contact with her today. I think by now she must have figured out that I know she’s dating someone. She’s probably decided that this is all my problem, and that when I decide I can be friends with her she’ll be ready to be my friend again. Well that’s exactly what is not going to happen. I am not going to allow myself to fall into the trap of being her friend again. That sucked ass. You spend all your time with a person who you can’t stop thinking about putting your dick into, and she can’t even look at you sexually. That was not healthy.

I feel like there’s a greater than %50 chance that she’s sucking her new boyfriend’s dick right now, just to pay me back for writing that whole sentence.

What I figured today is that basically I have to treat dreamgirl (fuck I need a new name for her), like the Jews treat Hitler after the Holocaust. There’s no retribution for holocaust survivors. Killing nazis at the end of WWII wouldn’t make it even for all the things the survivors were forced to endure, or their loved ones that were killed. The only revenge that the the Jews could have was to do the one things the Nazi’s didn’t want them to do…LIIIIIVE!!!!

Its not fair that she gets to fucking perfect AND be happy about sucking her new boyfriend’s cock, when I’m the one that got rejected, and now I’m miserable all the time. Well I can’t fix being rejected, because I suck and I’m a loser, but I can stop being miserable all the time. So my new resolution is to stop being miserable. Instead of acting the way I feel, (shitty and dejected, for those of you that were wondering), I’m going to act happy and lucky-go. I really am turning into the class clown, who makes all the other kids laugh, while he’s crying on the inside.

Anyways, my hands are getting arthritic-ish. So let me just finish by saying pointing out the west coast trip was going to be a disaster for the Habs, and how the fuck do you not pull Price in a game where he give up 6 goals?!?!?! Carbo, what happened? Were you distracted watching golf on the TV?