Posts Tagged ‘fracture girl’

Killing through Kindness

March 21, 2008



So as shitty as my life has been, I’d actually been feeling a little better over the last few days. I’ve actually been getting some hits on the blog site and feeling pretty good about that. (Although I suspect that most of those page views were accidental. Probably just people looking for stuff about the Raptors. As a result I will tagging every post the word “Raptors”).

Things were proceeding mostly according to plan with Fracturegirl and Cuckold girl. I had managed to do some actual studying instead of just pretending to study.

Then this morning everything went to shit again. Fantasy girl MSN’ed me out of the fucking blue. I’ve been deftly avoiding (aka hiding like a little girl) her since I found out she was fucking someone…that isn’t me.

She invites me over to her parent’s place for dinner next month. I politely decline, and then she starts talking about how she hasn’t seen me in such a long time and how we should go get sushi, and study together.

Yeah, let me tell how much that appeals to me. Listen I appreciate that she’s just trying to be nice, but she’s painfully oblivious to how infatuated I am with her and crushed I was when I found out she was seeing someone else. I’ve got the dent marks in my door to prove it.

Why the fuck would I want to spend an entire night with her and her perfect family, listening to them talk about fucking awesome her new boyfriend is? Honestly, can someone explain to me what the fuck she’s thinking? She’s not the type of person to throw shit like this in someone’s face. Can she honestly be this clueless? I mean she was clueless (or at least claims she was) about the fact that I was crushing on her. She was seemingly clueless about how devastated I was when she rejected me. Maybe she’s still clueless about how fucked I’ve been over the last few months because of her boyfriend.

This is a person that I would literally speak to everyday, hang out with several times a week, and that all has changed to the point where I have not spoken to her face to face in about 2 months, and while I don’t ignore I’ve limited my sentences to about 4 words each. How can she not tell that things are not healthy between us and that I have no interest in trying to be friends with her? Are women really that fucking stupid?

Here’s a list of things I would rather do than have to be subjected to sitting down to dinner with her family and her boyfriend and having to listen about how awesome their lives are for the entire night.

1. Pass a porcupine through my dick hole
2. Perform Neurosurgery…on myself
3. Root for the Leafs to win the cup
4. Admit the Tom Cruise is not gay
5. Be gangraped by the Cincinatti Bengals
6. Watch my parents having sex
7. Watch your parents having sex
8. Pour boiling hot honey all over my body, and then walk into beehive
9. Have one of my testicles put into a vice-grip, clamp the fucker and then have it served back to me as a delicious soup
10. You gethe point

I’d actually managed to stay weed-free for a couple of days, which considering how I’ve degenerated into a high-functioning drug addict over the last year is quite the accomplishment. The second she sent me those MSN messages, I felt like I had regressed to where I was a month ago. I’m right back to having obsessive thoughts, and not being able to concentrate, being unable to study, having to masturbate non-stop, and overall just feeling really shitty.

I really want to go smoke some weed, but I think that would just end up putting me back into that vicious cycle. So tomorrow when I get home, I’m going to take off for the library and try my best not to get high. Otherwise this shit is just going to keep repeating itself, I’ll end up as a drug-adled retard, and she’ll still be fucking someone…that isn’t me.

The Habs

The habs didn’t look very interested in the game saturday night. They were sloppy with the puck, and not making smart plays. In fairness they were playing an AHL team, so I can’t really blame them for coasting. The problem is if they try that type of shit against an NHL team, they are fucked. Fucked in the ass like Tom Cruise at a Scientology meeting. The playoff race is so tight right now , that the Habs could easily fall to 5th place. So taking a night off at this point in the season could cost them the home ice advantage, and with grand total of 7 months experience between the pipes leading them into the playoffs, the Habs are going to need all the help they can get.

Meanwhile multiple blogs are reporting that the Leafs and Habs had a tentative deal to send Sundin to Montreal for Chris Higgins, and the Habs first, second AND third round picks. That’s even more insane than the deal they were talking about TV this weekend!!!! There’s no way in fucking hell that Bob Gainey would give up Higgins and THREE draft picks for a month a half of Sundin. Never mind the fact that you’d potentially be setting up a Leafs dynasty for the next decade, who the fuck would even trade Higgins for Sundin – at this point in their careers – straight up?

That’s just beyond crazy. If that had happened I would have personally run Gainey’s traitorous ass down the 401 while screaming like John Goodman in the Big Lebowski “Do you see what happened to Pat Burns? Do you? Do you see what happens when you fuck the Montreal Canadiens in the ass?! Motherfucker!”

I’m choosing to believe that these retarded rumours are being started by the Leafs blowjob giving media horde, and that Monsieur Gainey is far too sharp to have ever made that trade.

I’m still upset about this. Godamnit that’s stupid.

The Next Great Depression

Oh yeah baby. I’m poor again. The depression is coming. Can u smeeeeeeeeell what the Bush is cooking?~


Sam Mitchell Has No Idea What He’s Doing

March 17, 2008

Sam Mitchell

Look I wanted Sam Mitchell fired a year ago. Then Bryan Colangelo went and turned the Raptors from one of the worst teams in the NBA into a pretty respectable one. Chris Bosh went on a diet consisting of nothing but human growth hormone and aborted Phillipino fetuses, and somehow all of that translated into Mitchell winning coach of the year. Essentially meaning that Colangelo had to wait at least one year (if the Raps had sucked comepletely this year) or more likely 2 before he fires Mitchell.

There seems to be something intrinsic to the Colangelo’s family’s DNA. They just go out and build championship teams. Bryan Colangelo is a Jedi Knight, like his father before him.

He’s done a phenomenal job of rebuilding this Raptors team. To the point where someone like me who spent a good decade actively loathing the NBA and basketball actually looks forward to watching the Raptors and chooses to watch NBA games now over NHL games. It helps that the NHL puts out a shit product that gets worse every year, and that the NBA is having one of the most interesting and competitive seasons in its history.

None of this however, belies the fact that Sam Mitchell is a horrible coach. I like the guy. He seems very affable. I think if I were at a party, I’d like to hang out with him. He seems to have a pretty good sense of humour and does a good job getting along with his players, but as a coach…he needs some seasoning.

I don’t know how many more times I can watch Andrea Bargnani post up at the 3-point line. Or be forced to watch TJ Ford bounce around the floor like like a broken Etch-a-sketch, or the disorganized melee the Raps fall into when they’re losing in the final minutes of a game. His inability to call plays to get the ball to his playmakers is beyond frustrating.


The Raptors have been getting killed on this west coast trip, and to be fair that’s not at all surprising. This is a team that just absolutely stunk 2 years ago. They’ve been rebuilt into a competitive team in a very short time. Granted they wasted their #1 overall pick on Garbage-nani, but in the Eastern Conference they’re a competitive team. They’re not an elite team like Boston or Detroit, but on any other given night they have the ability to beat anyt other team in teh conference. Unfortunately, competitive in the East means you don’t have a shot in hell at making the playoffs in teh West. Throw in the absence of Chris Bosh, and there’s no way the Raps were coming out of this trip alive.

Let me just state one thing here. Even though the Raptors lost again tonight… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD BOSH BE RUSHED BACK EARLY FROM HIS INJURY!!!!

The raptors are making the playoffs. With Bosh they have a shot of winning the first round, and becoming the fluke team of the 2nd round. Without Bosh, they couldn’t win a high school basketball tournament. The shouldn’t even give Bosh the option of coming back early. Whenever he says he’s ready, they should make him sit out another 2 games just to be sure he’s not lying. You know he’s dying watching this team lose from the bench. This is the guy that gave Vince Carter (aka fugly ass munching-cocksucking-felching queefer head) a complete stare-down, when Vince was doing his usual “Aw-shucks, gee, gosh darnit I guess we lost another one” routine. Bosh basically looked at that lazy fuck and said “I know professional athletes, and you sir are no professional athlete!”.

Btw how awesome would that be as a NBA commercial or an SNL skit. Just have Bosh looking at Carter in disgust for a full minute at how lazy his apathetic ass is.

But I digress. The point here is that watching the last couple of minutes of the Toronto-Sacramento game it’s painfully clear Mitchell has no idea what he’s doing. The Kings were allowed to waste clock with impunity in the last 2 minutes, while the Raptors trailed by multiple possessions. Then even though he had Delfino at the line shooting foul shots, Mitchell still couldn’t communicate to his players that he wanted no foul. What happens? They waste another 10 seconds and then foul anyways.

Then with the raptors done by 5, he takes Capono, the best 3-point shooter in the league out of the game, and lets Jamario Moon miss a 3. Everybody loves Moon. He’s another guy who seems like he’d be fun at a party, but no one is ever going to mistake this guy for a clutch player. He’s fun to watch, he can jump a mile, but he still makes fundamental errors with incredible frequency. You can make the rookie exscuse all you want, but the guy is like 27 years old. He’s been doing this awhile, and its unlikely he’s going to improve much further.

The Raptors kept giving up offensive boards. He could have at least tried bringing Garbage-nani into the game. Get a big body in, that (at least pretends to be able) to rebound, and can shoot a 3. Instead we end up with Moon shooting 3’s and Carlos Delfino thinking he’s the point guard out there.

I’m getting more aggravated with this, but Jose Calderon needs to step up. Quite frankly the guy is a phenomenal basketball player. Have you seen the shots of him during half time, fetching Gatorade for his teammates? It’s no coincidence that the Raptors were playing there best basketball of the season when TJ Ford was injured, and Calderon had to play all those minutes.

Jose Calderon

Calderon stepped up. He realized the team wouldn’t be able to win without him scoring. So he started shooting more, and because he was hitting his shots teams had to play him to shoot, which made his passing more effective. Looking at the guys stats, he’s the best kept secret in the league. Now that Ford is back though, Calderon is acting like the backup quarterback on a varsity team.

Jose, you’re the 2nd best player on this team. Act like it. Walk with some swagger. Act like a jerk. You deserve to.

Calderon at his best is like Steve Nash before he became STEVENASH! Considering Nash just won 2 MVPs, I’m cool with that.

(Btw does anyone else find it strange that even though LeBron is clearly having a better statistical season than Kobe, and is playing with absolutely shi-ite teammates every night, the media has already decided Kobe is winning the MVP award? Seems to me like they’re voting based on seniority and not merit)

Anyways, until Colangelo finds an exscuse to fire Mitchell and bring in a real coach, they trade TJ Ford and Garbage-nani for someone who can reboud and let Calderon play like a #1 point guard, the Raptors are not going anywhere.

The Chick Situation

So brunch with FractureGirl went pretty well. I had to leave her to go study, but managed to some PG-13 rated action before saying goodbye. She sent me a slew of text messages afterwards so clearly she thought it was going well as well.

Still very limited progress on discerning the age difference between us, but I’m going to wait until after I see her naked before I bring this up. Like I said, that’ll be the exit strategy.

I was supposed to meet Cuckoldgirl right afterwards, but she ended up bailing on me. Which was actually good, cuz I ended up getting a decent amount of studying done for a change.

No news on fantasy girl, except for the recurring hourly nightmares in my head of her lying on a couch while her boyfriend pleasures her, at the same time that she’s pointing and laughing at me.

I haven’t smoked any weed in a couple of days. Which is not to say that I haven’t still been depressed about fantasy girl, but I have noticed that my mood has been slightly better. I actually smiled today for no particular reason, while I was walking down the street listening to The Killers.


I think that’s all for now. It’s past my bedtime. I do need post this link though. It’s like “There’s Something About Mary” only…not funny. (and probably not as hot as Cameron Diaz was in that movie. Man she used to be hot)

It seriously deserves its own post but fuck you guys, i’m lazy and no one reads this shit anyways.

PS – just in case anyone is wondering I think I must have spent half of high school jerking off to this clip

Pet Peeve of the day

March 16, 2008

Smoking Britney

I haven’t posted a blog entry in a few days. To be honest, I was a little surprised, my last few blog entries actually got a few hits, which means that someone is actually reading this thing. Which is fucking scary. I mean there’s some personal shit on this page. I started blogging because I was feeling depressed (unless you ask the psychiatrist, in which case I was anxious, wtf?) but I had been feeling better the last few days which I guess is why I wasn’t able to maintain my usual level of vitriole and hatred to post something the last few days.

Well yesterday, I ran out of weed. So now I’m sober.

Turns out sobriety is…um….boring.

No, really. There are really very few benefits to not being high. Now granted my marijuana usage has been a little out of control for the last little while, and my inability to study is probably related to that fact, (although I prefer to blame the fact that Fantasygirl is sucking another guy’s cock), but goddamnit shit is boring when you’re sober. Video games are less interesting, movies are less appealing, jerking off is less exciting… I don’t know. If I didn’t have to study, I’d probably reconsider trying to abstain from drugs for the next few weeks. I don’t know if I’ll actually be succesful, cuz apparently I do have a drug problem, but who the fuck knows.

My pet peeve of the day is pretty simple actually. Why is that when the person at the cash gives you their change, they can’t simply place it on the counter or drop it into my hand? Why do they feel obligated to get their grimy disgusting hands, and by extension the hands of every other customer they’ve touched today, all over my hands.

Put the fucking change on the counter. I’ll pick it up. Drop it in my hand. That’s why God invented gravity motherfucker. Instead you put the bill on my hand and then the change on top of the bill. So now I can’t drop the bill in my wallet without dropping my change all over the floor (because my other hand is holding my bag or coffee or whatever), and I can’t put the change in my wallet, because I can’t use my thumb without letting go of the bill. This is why i no longer feel bad about using my credit card to buy things that are under $10. My policy now is to use my credit card for absolutely everything. I bought a bagel with my credit card last week. Didn’t even feel bad about it.

The Chick Situation

Victoria Beckham

So this morning I walk over to Starbucks to get a cup of coffee as part of my continuing efforts to procrastinate and fail my exam. There’s this retardedly hot blonded sitting by the window with some douchebag. The blonde has one of these tight, tight bodies, with a pair of one of the most unnatural breasts I’ve ever seen. Her beautiful fake booboes were basically falling out of her shirt. The douchebag who is out on what is clearly their first “getting to know you date” is absolutely killing the conversation. I don’t know, maybe he was distracted by her cleavage or something, but dude seriously, focus! I wasn’t even talking to the chick and all I was thinking about was leaving a giant jizz bomb on her chest. You need to keep your head in the game man. I was tempted to go over there and try to pick her up (which actually would have helped him, since they at least would have had something to talk about instead of saying things like “i like my job” “i like cats” “my cat’s breath smells like cat food”, but I felt kinda bad for the guy. Rest assured however, the next time I see that chick in starbucks I will be spilling my soy-milk-no whip-grande mocha all over her shirt. mmmmm….wet boobies…sigh.

Ralph Wiggum - nose picking

Does anyone know how to pick up the Barista at starbucks? There’s 2 really cute Barista’s at my starbucks. I’m not picky, i’d fuck either. Both. Whatever. I have absolutely no idea how to do this. It would require some time of line stoppage. I think the last thing she would want is to be hit on by losers during her break.

I think this plan requires an elaborate distraction. Maybe something involving a dancing monkey and some drunk midgets.

Details are still sketchy but I think Operation Bang a Barista -v.2008 is in the initial planning stages.

Still no contact with Fantasygirl. She’s online at the moment, I can see she’s logged into MSN, but she’s clearly ignoring me, or she can’t typed at the moment, because she’s giving her new boyfriend a reacharound. Two of her friends have sent me messages on facebook in the last few days. I briefly considered ignoring the messages, but ultimately I decided that would be immature and childish. Even though immature and childish are my forte(s) (what the fuck is the plural of forte?), I decided to answer back. I think I could fuck both of the chicks that sent me messages. I haven’t fucked any of Fantasygirl’s friends because I just assumed that I ever went after one of her friends, I would never get her, but now….wtf? There’s nothing to lose. Next time I’m drunk I’m going to try and bang her friends. In fact I think the challenge will be to fuck em both as close in time in possible, and keep trying to fuck them closer and closer together. Like I would fuck one in the morning, and one after dinner, and then the a few days later I could fuck one before lunch and then one afterwards. Additional levels of difficulty could be added by telling each one that I was or was planning on fucking the other chick. Maybe I could even yell out Fantasy girl’s name while I was fucking them. That’d be awesome.

Cuckold girl sent me another invitation to her birthday party. She broke up with her boyfriend, but they’re still living together. There’s no way in hell I’m going to a party full of people that are friends with her ex, and be like “hey, i’m the dude that she’s been cheating with for the last 9 months”. I’m sure that’ll go over well. Anyways, Cuckold girl wants to watch a movie tomorrow afternoon. I can count the number of times we’ve done something that didn’t end in sex. That would be one time. I think we did something one time that didn’t end up in sex. I’m pretty sure my penis or her vagina was broken at the time.

Fracture girl, is working tonight, and we’re supposed to get together tomorrow once she’s done. Which could be awkward. I have nothing to entertain her with, cuz I don’t do anything but study and work these days, and there won’t be any alcohol, and she’ll be tired and cranky…so yeah wtf was I thinking insisting we get together.

The Habs

Believe it or not, I’m watching the Habs on CBC right now. Granted their on channel 125 or something, the guy doing the play-by-play has cerebral palsy, the colour is all fucked up, there’s no HD, and they’re playing the islanders, but I don’t give a fuck, cuz I least I get to watch the Habs.

The amazing thing. This is the first time I’ve seen the Habs on CBC in at least 15 years and have yet to hear the announcers openly rooting against the Habs. Usually those racist fucks do everything they can to pump up the audience for the Habs opponents. I’m not worried though. I’m sure we’re a few minutes away from another 30 minute conversation about Mats Sundin’s plans to star in gay porn during the off-season and how that will affect the perception of the hallowed leafs (seems about right to me btw)

On Sportscenter or sportsnet connected this week, the show actually had the following sequence of pieces to their broadcast.

1. Summary of Leafs Game
2. Coaches Post-game press conference
3. Post-game analysis discussion
4. Recap of Leafs Game
5. Another analysis section
6. 5 minute “What if?” if piece discussing the possible trades the Leafs might have made on trade day (These weren’t even trades happened or are going to happen, they were trades that might have happened!!!! I swear Leafs fans are retarded)
7. Recap of all the other games in the NHL

The funniest part though was that the stupid talking heads said that the Habs and leafs had a deal where Sundin was going to be traded for Chris Higgins, a first round draft pick and another player (i think they thought it was Grabs or another pretty decent young guy). Yeah, i’m sure Gainey was willing to make that awful fucking trade.

Before it was over they had Sundin, Kaberle and Tucker traded for like 5 players and 8 draft picks including Steve Stamkos. Further proof that there is nothing dumber than a leafs fan.

…The CBC is having there hot stove league starring Ron Maclean, Deep Throat and the Al Strachan aka Canada’s number one user of adult diapers. I guess they couldn’t afford another person to complete the panel. They’re talking about more rule changes. I swear the NHL is run by nincompoops. LEAVE THE GAME ALONE!!!! The problem is not the game. The problem is the people running the game. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT MARTIN BRODEUR CAN PLAY THE PUCK IN THE CORNER! THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE LEAGUE DOES NOT HAVE A TELEVISION CONTRACT!!!

I think I need to actively campaign to to become commissioner of this league, because clearly I’m the only person paying attention.

The Habs are up 1-0 right now. Either they explode in the 3rd for a couple of goals, or the isles tie it up and it goes to overtime. Have I mentioned that I hate the overtime loss rule yet? I hate the overtime loss yet. I think i need to devote a post to how stupid that rule is.

Also I realize they’re playing the islanders, but Halak is looking pretty solid.

Things I’m planning on buying

Since we apparently have some readers now, or at least people that clicked on the page accidentally. I need to buy a new external hard drive, since my old one died and I lost all my porn. I’m not kidding. ALL MY PRON! I had an extensive collection include some very nice amateur and rare stuff. I’m not kidding myself it’s only a matter of time until I fill up another hard drive. So in anticipation of that, does anyone have any recomendation for external drives that are less likely to fail?


I think that’s all for today. I was looking at some NBA stats yesterday, and I think Jose Calderon the Raptors point guard might be the most underrated player in the NBA

Wow, Kovalev just scored a beauty.

Sorry, so I’m thinking I might need to dedicate a post to that, but it would require some actual research on my behalf.

Also, could Lost have sucked any harder this week? No, it could not.