Posts Tagged ‘fantasy girl’

March 28, 2008

So yesterday I arrive at the library to start studying and my cellphone goes off like 10 times in the first 10 minutes that I’m there. Studying has become mildly tolerable of late, simply because I now have several friends that all have exams approaching, and consequently now have a cohort of people to turn to in moments of boredom. One of the text messages is from fantasy girls best friend/cousin.

It reads something along the lines of “gee, you’ve seemed really down lately, and I feel bad for you”. Basically this is the most insulting text message I’ve ever gotten.

You know what fantasy girls cousin? Fuck you! You think I want your fuck pity? What the fuck do i want with that bullshit? You think I care if you feel badly for me? You think I seem down lately? Where the fuck have you been for the last few months? I’ve been depressed out of my mind this entire year, I haven’t spoken to you in 2 months and all o the sudden you decide that I might be feeling glum? Fuck you.

You know what might help with that? How about not giving me shit advice when your cousin decided to shoot me down? How about not telling me to get over her and then setting her up with some guy? How about not treating me like a fucking joke? How about you bending over and letting me tear your asshole apart with my cock? How does that sound?

If your cousin isn’t in to good looking guys with good jobs who are nice and have giant cocks, there’s not much I can do to change that. You told me to get over her. So that’s what I’m fucking doing. I’m blogging, i went to see a shrink, i’m trying to study. You think this is easy? You think I don’t recognize the stupid fucking patters re: relationships that I create for mysllf? of course I do, and I don’t need your fucking pity. I don’t need you pretending you care, so you can go back to fantasy girl and the two of you can sit there and talk about how badly you feel for me while you laugh about how fantasy girl would never fuck me.

I’m moving on to bigger and better things.

Five Minutes Ago

Five minutes ago I picked up a hot fucking blonde in the lounge at work. She is teh hawtness !1!1!eleventy!1!

It honestly wasn’t even that hard. I asked her some stupid questions, smiled, made a dumb joke, pretended to be interested in what she was saying and got her email adress. I plan to have her sucking my cock by the end of next week.

I need a new nickname for this girl….to be determined.

The habs

So last night I was watching RDS and they were interviewing Carey Price. I haven’t seen the kid do any interviews before, and he looked absolutely painful. I’m sure he’ll grow into it eventually, but for a kid who’s won at every level he’s played at so far, and has achieved what he’s achieved thus far in the NHL, and will likely win the rookie of the year award, he’s alarmlingly bereft of cockiness. He needs a little Patrick Roy in him.

Speaking of Roy…yeah the fight his son got into was ridiculous. He should clearly be suspended for the remainder of the season. But the media’s reaction and criticism of Roy has been way out of line. They’re making him out to be a pseudo-pariah, and it’s quite frankly…ridiculous.

They’ve prosecuted him on circumstancial evidence. Maybe Roy told his son to go out and wail on the other goalie, maybe he told him to go and fight, then again maybe he didn’t. I find it comepletely ridiculous that that media has been lambasting Roy so fervently without any actual proof. Nobody is going to mistake Roy for a nice guy, he was a quintessential prima donna his entire career. There’s every indication that he’s going to continue to exhibit those characteristics for the remainder of his coaching/managerial career, but cut the guy some slack.

Even if he did tell his son to go out and fight, there’s likely little chance that he told his son to continue to wail on an opponent that had thrown out the white flag and wasn’t fighting back. Patrick Roy’s son was out of line, not Patrick Roy, and it would be nice to see the media address that issue with the same fervor and hyperbole with which they’ve condemned him. Instead this is just one more example of the media acting irresponsibly and fabricating a story so they gloat and sound of their own shrill voice.

5 more minutes later

I just picked up another woman at work. She works part time as a bartender and has a noise ring = guaranteed sex, good chance of anal.

Epilogue

I’m praying to get some sleep at work tonight, so that I can go to the library to study all day tomorrow. I’ve been having ridiculous amounts of gas lately. I’ve never farted this much in my entire life as far as I can remember. It might just be because my diet is complete and utter shit and I need to start eating things that are green again, or it might just be the stress from the impending exam. Ah well, see you fucker after the bump.

Killing through Kindness

March 21, 2008

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN SEVERAL DAYS AGO, BUT I FORGOT TO PUBLISH IT

Kindness

So as shitty as my life has been, I’d actually been feeling a little better over the last few days. I’ve actually been getting some hits on the blog site and feeling pretty good about that. (Although I suspect that most of those page views were accidental. Probably just people looking for stuff about the Raptors. As a result I will tagging every post the word “Raptors”).

Things were proceeding mostly according to plan with Fracturegirl and Cuckold girl. I had managed to do some actual studying instead of just pretending to study.

Then this morning everything went to shit again. Fantasy girl MSN’ed me out of the fucking blue. I’ve been deftly avoiding (aka hiding like a little girl) her since I found out she was fucking someone…that isn’t me.

She invites me over to her parent’s place for dinner next month. I politely decline, and then she starts talking about how she hasn’t seen me in such a long time and how we should go get sushi, and study together.

Yeah, let me tell how much that appeals to me. Listen I appreciate that she’s just trying to be nice, but she’s painfully oblivious to how infatuated I am with her and crushed I was when I found out she was seeing someone else. I’ve got the dent marks in my door to prove it.

Why the fuck would I want to spend an entire night with her and her perfect family, listening to them talk about fucking awesome her new boyfriend is? Honestly, can someone explain to me what the fuck she’s thinking? She’s not the type of person to throw shit like this in someone’s face. Can she honestly be this clueless? I mean she was clueless (or at least claims she was) about the fact that I was crushing on her. She was seemingly clueless about how devastated I was when she rejected me. Maybe she’s still clueless about how fucked I’ve been over the last few months because of her boyfriend.

This is a person that I would literally speak to everyday, hang out with several times a week, and that all has changed to the point where I have not spoken to her face to face in about 2 months, and while I don’t ignore I’ve limited my sentences to about 4 words each. How can she not tell that things are not healthy between us and that I have no interest in trying to be friends with her? Are women really that fucking stupid?

Here’s a list of things I would rather do than have to be subjected to sitting down to dinner with her family and her boyfriend and having to listen about how awesome their lives are for the entire night.

1. Pass a porcupine through my dick hole
2. Perform Neurosurgery…on myself
3. Root for the Leafs to win the cup
4. Admit the Tom Cruise is not gay
5. Be gangraped by the Cincinatti Bengals
6. Watch my parents having sex
7. Watch your parents having sex
8. Pour boiling hot honey all over my body, and then walk into beehive
9. Have one of my testicles put into a vice-grip, clamp the fucker and then have it served back to me as a delicious soup
10. You gethe point

I’d actually managed to stay weed-free for a couple of days, which considering how I’ve degenerated into a high-functioning drug addict over the last year is quite the accomplishment. The second she sent me those MSN messages, I felt like I had regressed to where I was a month ago. I’m right back to having obsessive thoughts, and not being able to concentrate, being unable to study, having to masturbate non-stop, and overall just feeling really shitty.

I really want to go smoke some weed, but I think that would just end up putting me back into that vicious cycle. So tomorrow when I get home, I’m going to take off for the library and try my best not to get high. Otherwise this shit is just going to keep repeating itself, I’ll end up as a drug-adled retard, and she’ll still be fucking someone…that isn’t me.

The Habs

The habs didn’t look very interested in the game saturday night. They were sloppy with the puck, and not making smart plays. In fairness they were playing an AHL team, so I can’t really blame them for coasting. The problem is if they try that type of shit against an NHL team, they are fucked. Fucked in the ass like Tom Cruise at a Scientology meeting. The playoff race is so tight right now , that the Habs could easily fall to 5th place. So taking a night off at this point in the season could cost them the home ice advantage, and with grand total of 7 months experience between the pipes leading them into the playoffs, the Habs are going to need all the help they can get.

Meanwhile multiple blogs are reporting that the Leafs and Habs had a tentative deal to send Sundin to Montreal for Chris Higgins, and the Habs first, second AND third round picks. That’s even more insane than the deal they were talking about TV this weekend!!!! There’s no way in fucking hell that Bob Gainey would give up Higgins and THREE draft picks for a month a half of Sundin. Never mind the fact that you’d potentially be setting up a Leafs dynasty for the next decade, who the fuck would even trade Higgins for Sundin – at this point in their careers – straight up?

That’s just beyond crazy. If that had happened I would have personally run Gainey’s traitorous ass down the 401 while screaming like John Goodman in the Big Lebowski “Do you see what happened to Pat Burns? Do you? Do you see what happens when you fuck the Montreal Canadiens in the ass?! Motherfucker!”

I’m choosing to believe that these retarded rumours are being started by the Leafs blowjob giving media horde, and that Monsieur Gainey is far too sharp to have ever made that trade.

I’m still upset about this. Godamnit that’s stupid.

The Next Great Depression

Oh yeah baby. I’m poor again. The depression is coming. Can u smeeeeeeeeell what the Bush is cooking?~

Today, I am a Coward

March 21, 2008

Coward

Yeah, so I’m not proud of it, but today was a solid day of infamy, a shining example of my cowardice and patheticness. I left my apartment for work this morning a little bit later than I normaly do. I had a bad feeling about this, because it moved me dangerously close to the time that fantasy girl leaves for work.

For the last 2 months I’ve been dreading it every time the elevator door opens. I keep picturing the doors opening, and fantasy girl standing there. It’s fucking horrible. I’ve even avoided going to they gym at times when i know she’s likely to be there.

This morning wasn’t quite that bad. Disaster was averted, but only because of the combination of me being a fucking nancy boy and a little bit of luck. As I was headed to the subway, I stopped in to get a Starbucks. When I started walking towards the subway, fantasy girl was walking about 15 feet ahead of me. I recognized her from the back of her head.

It was a bit of fucked up situation, cuz I didn’t want to be late for work but I also didn’t want to talk to her. As it turns out it was a good thing, I avoided her, cuz the train we both ended up on, ended up being delayed for like 30 minutes. Which would have meant me standing there listening for 30 minutes describing in detail how her stupid fucking perfect boyfriend delivers perfect cunilingus to her , followed by breakfast in bed, after he poops a shiny diamond out of his ass every morning.

So basically, I just ended up hiding behind her, following her down to the subway and not letting her see me. Then waiting for the train, I made a mad dash for the door and headed away from her.

I felt kinda shitty.

Then today I got home and looked at her facebook page (at least I haven’t looked at it in awhile), and saw that she had a post on her wall from some dude. I don’t know who the dude is, but I’m pretty sure she’s sucking his penis, and laughing at me the whole time.

Then at work this morning, one of my supervisors comes over and says “I hear you had a little breakdown a few weeks ago, over some chick that’s banging another dude, and you still think she’s going to fuck you”

Well except for the part where I think she’s going to fuck me, yeah, that’s pretty accurate. I mean for god’s sake, I STARTED A BLOG, and I saw a psychiatrist. I fucking hate psychiatrists.

Speaking of which, I saw the shrink again on wednesday. I felt like shit after I saw her the first time, but overall my mood had improved slightly, and since fantasy girl had just messaged me on MSN the previous day, I had some shit I wanted to get off my chest.

Instead, the session was comepletely useless. She fucked up her bookings, so I was only in there for like 20 minutes. Most of which she sent trying to convince me to go see a psychologist, ( I hate fucking psychologists even more than psychiatrists) and the rest of it lecturing me on how marijuana is bad for me.

I’d been feeling much better most of the week, partly due to the blogging I think. At the moment however, I really want some weed. I’m not going to buy any tonight though. The exam is closing in. I need to study. So i’m compromising. Instead of studying, or getting high, i’m sitting on my couch watching the Habs, Lost and March Madness. I think there’s a good basketball game on tonight as well.

The Habs

So the Habs have been mailing it in of late. Just some over all lacklustre efforts all around. Plus it doesn’t help having Brisebois in the lineup. That’s equivalent to ceding a 1 goal lead to the other team. I swear to god, you’d be better off putting a retarded monkey on skates, dressing him in Brisebois’ jersey.

TSN is pumping up how the Habs have p0wned the Bruins thus far this season. As usual the play by play team is openly rooting against the habs. Fuck those TSN assholes. At least they don’t suck as hard as the CBC.

I was getting all paranoid the other day thinking about this blog. It’s starting to generate some hits. I don’t know if people are actually reading this shit or just clicking by accident. It occured to me though, that a large number of my friends share similar interests, and that some of them may eventually find their way to this blog. Which would mean that fantasy girl, cuckold girl, fracture girl and all the people I’ve disparaged could potentially figure out who I am, even though I’ve tried not to give away any identifying details. I don’t know, I may have to start a seperate blog just for bitching about fantasy girl. I kind of like the idea of being encapsulated in a single site however, and its a bit of a pain in the ass to keep separate blogs.

The TSN halftime show is talking about no-touch icing again. What a punch of fucking pussies. Honestly these are PROFFESSIONAL ATHLETES. Why can’t the NHL stop fucking with the rules. THE RULES ARE NOT THE PROBLEM WITH THE NHL. Stop fucking with the rules. Let these guys play. They get paid millions of dollars per year, they can take care of themselves. Let em play, let em skate, let em hit. Injuries happen. Deal with it, get over it. Players can always be replaced, its the nature of the game. Those boarding injuries are almost always at least partially the part the fault of the defensemen. I’m tired of hearing about this. If this was a leafs game on TV, I can guarantee that they wouldn’t have spent the last 10 minutes talking about stupid boarding injuries, they would have spent 5 minutes sucking Sundin’s dick and another five deciding who gets to share his cum. Fucktards.

Random Shit

Brooke Burns retarded old gameshow is on TV right now. This show was cancelled years ago. But Brooke is so hot that this show will live on forever

Brooke Burns

Brooke Burns

The funny thing about this show, was the Brooke is so tall, she would always tower over all the male competitors and make it look none of those guys could ever handle her in bed. Hey Brooke baby, c’mere, I’ll handle you.

I like how at the end of that clip, Brooke subtly brushes the topless chicks hair out of her face. Heh-heh, never would have guessed her for rug-muncher, but can’t say i’m going to complain.

Epilogue

Just because I looked at it yesterday…

ALIZEE

Sam Mitchell Has No Idea What He’s Doing

March 17, 2008

Sam Mitchell

Look I wanted Sam Mitchell fired a year ago. Then Bryan Colangelo went and turned the Raptors from one of the worst teams in the NBA into a pretty respectable one. Chris Bosh went on a diet consisting of nothing but human growth hormone and aborted Phillipino fetuses, and somehow all of that translated into Mitchell winning coach of the year. Essentially meaning that Colangelo had to wait at least one year (if the Raps had sucked comepletely this year) or more likely 2 before he fires Mitchell.

There seems to be something intrinsic to the Colangelo’s family’s DNA. They just go out and build championship teams. Bryan Colangelo is a Jedi Knight, like his father before him.

He’s done a phenomenal job of rebuilding this Raptors team. To the point where someone like me who spent a good decade actively loathing the NBA and basketball actually looks forward to watching the Raptors and chooses to watch NBA games now over NHL games. It helps that the NHL puts out a shit product that gets worse every year, and that the NBA is having one of the most interesting and competitive seasons in its history.

None of this however, belies the fact that Sam Mitchell is a horrible coach. I like the guy. He seems very affable. I think if I were at a party, I’d like to hang out with him. He seems to have a pretty good sense of humour and does a good job getting along with his players, but as a coach…he needs some seasoning.

I don’t know how many more times I can watch Andrea Bargnani post up at the 3-point line. Or be forced to watch TJ Ford bounce around the floor like like a broken Etch-a-sketch, or the disorganized melee the Raps fall into when they’re losing in the final minutes of a game. His inability to call plays to get the ball to his playmakers is beyond frustrating.

Etch-a-sketch

The Raptors have been getting killed on this west coast trip, and to be fair that’s not at all surprising. This is a team that just absolutely stunk 2 years ago. They’ve been rebuilt into a competitive team in a very short time. Granted they wasted their #1 overall pick on Garbage-nani, but in the Eastern Conference they’re a competitive team. They’re not an elite team like Boston or Detroit, but on any other given night they have the ability to beat anyt other team in teh conference. Unfortunately, competitive in the East means you don’t have a shot in hell at making the playoffs in teh West. Throw in the absence of Chris Bosh, and there’s no way the Raps were coming out of this trip alive.

Let me just state one thing here. Even though the Raptors lost again tonight… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD BOSH BE RUSHED BACK EARLY FROM HIS INJURY!!!!

The raptors are making the playoffs. With Bosh they have a shot of winning the first round, and becoming the fluke team of the 2nd round. Without Bosh, they couldn’t win a high school basketball tournament. The shouldn’t even give Bosh the option of coming back early. Whenever he says he’s ready, they should make him sit out another 2 games just to be sure he’s not lying. You know he’s dying watching this team lose from the bench. This is the guy that gave Vince Carter (aka fugly ass munching-cocksucking-felching queefer head) a complete stare-down, when Vince was doing his usual “Aw-shucks, gee, gosh darnit I guess we lost another one” routine. Bosh basically looked at that lazy fuck and said “I know professional athletes, and you sir are no professional athlete!”.

Btw how awesome would that be as a NBA commercial or an SNL skit. Just have Bosh looking at Carter in disgust for a full minute at how lazy his apathetic ass is.

But I digress. The point here is that watching the last couple of minutes of the Toronto-Sacramento game it’s painfully clear Mitchell has no idea what he’s doing. The Kings were allowed to waste clock with impunity in the last 2 minutes, while the Raptors trailed by multiple possessions. Then even though he had Delfino at the line shooting foul shots, Mitchell still couldn’t communicate to his players that he wanted no foul. What happens? They waste another 10 seconds and then foul anyways.

Then with the raptors done by 5, he takes Capono, the best 3-point shooter in the league out of the game, and lets Jamario Moon miss a 3. Everybody loves Moon. He’s another guy who seems like he’d be fun at a party, but no one is ever going to mistake this guy for a clutch player. He’s fun to watch, he can jump a mile, but he still makes fundamental errors with incredible frequency. You can make the rookie exscuse all you want, but the guy is like 27 years old. He’s been doing this awhile, and its unlikely he’s going to improve much further.

The Raptors kept giving up offensive boards. He could have at least tried bringing Garbage-nani into the game. Get a big body in, that (at least pretends to be able) to rebound, and can shoot a 3. Instead we end up with Moon shooting 3’s and Carlos Delfino thinking he’s the point guard out there.

I’m getting more aggravated with this, but Jose Calderon needs to step up. Quite frankly the guy is a phenomenal basketball player. Have you seen the shots of him during half time, fetching Gatorade for his teammates? It’s no coincidence that the Raptors were playing there best basketball of the season when TJ Ford was injured, and Calderon had to play all those minutes.

Jose Calderon

Calderon stepped up. He realized the team wouldn’t be able to win without him scoring. So he started shooting more, and because he was hitting his shots teams had to play him to shoot, which made his passing more effective. Looking at the guys stats, he’s the best kept secret in the league. Now that Ford is back though, Calderon is acting like the backup quarterback on a varsity team.

Jose, you’re the 2nd best player on this team. Act like it. Walk with some swagger. Act like a jerk. You deserve to.

Calderon at his best is like Steve Nash before he became STEVENASH! Considering Nash just won 2 MVPs, I’m cool with that.

(Btw does anyone else find it strange that even though LeBron is clearly having a better statistical season than Kobe, and is playing with absolutely shi-ite teammates every night, the media has already decided Kobe is winning the MVP award? Seems to me like they’re voting based on seniority and not merit)

Anyways, until Colangelo finds an exscuse to fire Mitchell and bring in a real coach, they trade TJ Ford and Garbage-nani for someone who can reboud and let Calderon play like a #1 point guard, the Raptors are not going anywhere.

The Chick Situation

So brunch with FractureGirl went pretty well. I had to leave her to go study, but managed to some PG-13 rated action before saying goodbye. She sent me a slew of text messages afterwards so clearly she thought it was going well as well.

Still very limited progress on discerning the age difference between us, but I’m going to wait until after I see her naked before I bring this up. Like I said, that’ll be the exit strategy.

I was supposed to meet Cuckoldgirl right afterwards, but she ended up bailing on me. Which was actually good, cuz I ended up getting a decent amount of studying done for a change.

No news on fantasy girl, except for the recurring hourly nightmares in my head of her lying on a couch while her boyfriend pleasures her, at the same time that she’s pointing and laughing at me.

I haven’t smoked any weed in a couple of days. Which is not to say that I haven’t still been depressed about fantasy girl, but I have noticed that my mood has been slightly better. I actually smiled today for no particular reason, while I was walking down the street listening to The Killers.

Epilogue

I think that’s all for now. It’s past my bedtime. I do need post this link though. It’s like “There’s Something About Mary” only…not funny. (and probably not as hot as Cameron Diaz was in that movie. Man she used to be hot)

http://startelegram.typepad.com/sky_talk/2008/03/woman-files-law.html

It seriously deserves its own post but fuck you guys, i’m lazy and no one reads this shit anyways.

PS – just in case anyone is wondering I think I must have spent half of high school jerking off to this clip