Fuck the CBC! Fuck em right up their fucking asses!

March 9, 2008

Melissa Theuriau

I forgot to add that little rant to my post earlier this morning.

The habs are battling for 1st place in the East. And what game is on the CBC yesterday? The leafs?

I swear to god there’s nothing dumber than Maple Leafs fan. These are quite literally the stupidest sports fans on the planet. So why are the Leafs on CBC EVERY Saturday night, even though there’s 5 other Canadian teams? Because the people who work for the CBC are all Leafs fans, and therefore are apparently under the belief that the entire country loves watching the Leafs.

What’s not to love? A dysfunctional team, with shitty overpaid players, defensemen that can’t skate or move the puck. Forwards that cannot score. A collection of cheap shot artists (although without Belak, Domi and minus Tucker for large parts of the season, they’re dangerously close to losing that rep), and a mentally handicapped GM that’s been replaced by someone who has to taken his Alzheimer’s meds every morning. Who wouldn’t want to watch that team instead of a team that’s competing for 1st place?

Usually people who share my above opinion would rant about Don Cherry at this point. Personally I don’t mind Cherry. Anyone who takes Cherry without a grain of salt, probably has a pickle shoved up their pooper. Cherry is a homer. But at least he’s honest about it. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he openly roots for the Leafs and despises everything Hab related…I wonder why that might be (heh, heh)

That doesn’t bother me. Also for someone who is repeatedly accused of being misogynistic,racist and homophobic…well how many straight guys wear outfits like this?

Don Cherry

The problem is not Don Cherry. The problem is with the CBC. A NATIONAL network that ALL Canadians pay for, that has somehow been usurped by the Toronto Maple Leafs and been transformed into their version of the Yankees YES network. This offends me as a habs fan, as a hockey fan, and as a tax-paying citizen. I would like to officially call for a moratorium of the Leafs on CBC. Ideally this would be for a 10 year period but I’m willing to negotiate. Unfortunately I understand that the CBC executives are still busy trying to figure out how to get their hands out of the vending machine.

http://www.lolcenter.com/?id=11&vid=528

The CBC is a national network. It should start acting like one. Otherwise Hockey Night in Canada has no business being on CBC. Who knows maybe the TV executives might figure out that people enjoy watching hockey even if the motherfucking Maple Leafs aren’t playing.

The Wire. Case Closed.

March 9, 2008

French Frog

Have a smoke and a drink a toke in memoriam of the best TV show there ever was; The Wire.

It all comes to an end tonight. The screener has apparently been out for a couple of days already, but even though I’ve been fanatical in my obsession about the wire, that piece of crucial information somehow managed to slip by me. It’s really kinda crazy that the best show on television is coming to an end, and nobody seems to notice. Although I guess that show has been so thoroughly ignored by the media throughout its run, that it is somehow appropriate that the show goes out without the usual media reach-around and hoopla that accompanied the end of other quality TV shows. Why a turd mcmuffin retard show like Family Guy gets prime real estate and advertising, while a show that is incredibly intelligent and provides critical social commentary (like the Wire) gets buried…well let’s just say if you’ve been watching the Wire you probably know that why things succeed has a lot more to do with politics and economics than about quality.

I guess there’s no room on the tube for intelligent, well-written shit on TV. Thank god for blogs, eh?

Couple of predictions for the end.

Mcnulty: Gonna get char-broiled. His behaviour over the first 3 seasons became proggressively more erratic and self-destructive. He burned more bridges, pissed off more people, fucked up his relationships more, and was drinking more. He managed to clean up his act slightly once Stringer got got, but unfortunately he’s just gone completely off the deep end this season. All you have to do is look at Bunk and Kima’s reaction to what he’s been doing all season. His tenuous grasp on reality has been severed. The fact that he has been fucking with crime scenes and inventing murders, clearly shows that he is no longer “good Po-Lice”. I think his career is over, and quite frankly there was speculation on some boards that he would suicide himself. I think that ending makes sense. If Mcnulty doesn’t have the police department then he doesn’t have anything. Like Freamon and Daniels have told him “The job won’t save you”.

The over all them to the season is always encapsulated in the first season of the first episode. This season the them was clearly “The bigger the lie, the more they believe”. Every character this season has trapped by their lies. Mcnulty and Freamon inventing a serial killer and a C.I. Templeton lying about…um…everything. The newspaper editors choosing to ignore obvious issues in the city to focus on the “dickensian” aspect. Chris Partlow hiding what Omar said from Marlo. Marlo lying to the co-op and to Prop Joe. Carcetti breaking his promise to Daniels, and breaking his promise to the public so that he can win the gubernatorial race. The only character I can think off that hasn’t been caught up in a lie so far this season is Bubbles.

Bubbles: It’s going to end poorly. We’ve seen Bubbles make recoveries before, albeit biefly, but this is the longest he’s ever been clean. The Wire is a novel, and foreshadowing is always present. That scene earlier this year, where Bubbles is walking down the street and the dope fiend recognized him. That scene was trying to show that the spectre of he needle always hangs over Bubbles shoulders. Bubbles is a dope fiend, he’ll die a dope fiend. There’s a small chance that Simon leaves Bubbles as the one character that finds redemption…but somehow I doubt it.

The Snitch: The source of teh the grand jury papers that were found on Prop Joe has yet to be revealed. Speculation is that Rhonda Pearlman is the leak, since she’s the one character on the show that has close ties to the court house. I think it’s very unlikely that she’s the leak. Pearlman has always been a straight character. She always follows chain of command, she’s never screwed anyone or shown any political ambition. She’s one of the most honest characters in the show, and for her to suddenly be exposed as leaking grand jury info to the street, would be a pretty big character inconsistency. Something Simon is exceedingly good at avoiding. Considering that almost every episode this year has had a cameo from a character from season’s past, I think a far more likely candidate is the Judge. The judge set up the wire tap in season one, is politically motivated and has shown no need to comply to ethical behaviour…and we haven’t seen him yet this season.

Freamon: Freamon is Mcnulty, only smarter. Both are obsessive, both consider themselves to be the smartest people in the room. Both decide to “fuck the bosses” when THEIR case was threatened. Lester ended up in the pawn shop, Mcnulty on the boat. Which is why Freamon was ok with Mcnulty creating the serial killer. They both have no problem bending the rules when it suits them, and justifying their behaviour afterwards. Freamon never touched a homeless body, and it’s unlikely Mcnulty will sell him out. The only place he can get fucked up is on the illegal wire, the fake C.I. and using Mcnulty’s CC numbers for his surveillance unit. He’ll probably get chewed out and sent back to the pawn shop once Major Crimes is shut down.

Herc: Still gonna be working Levy, driving a Benz, and hitting on Dozerman’s girl. Western district way!!!

Carver: My vote for the one character that makes it out unscathed. The change we’ve seen in Carver over the 5 seasons has been the most uplifting of any character on the show. From a knucklehead that forgets that suspects might be carrying an extra gun all the way to organizing and trying to save Hamsterdam, and to finally realizing the busting heads on the corner is not a solution. The scene in season 4 where Carver decides he doesn’t need to chase the car thiefs, because he already knows their names is one of my favorite. Carver will probably be promoted, he’s likely to turn into Bunny. A career cop who gets promoted because of the recognition that he is good police, but without any political connections to climb further up the ladder.

Kima: Probably not much. Bunk, Freamon or Mcnulty might chew her out for turning rat. Ultimately though even if you disagree with what she did, Kima would still feel justified. She might quit homicide though to be with the kid.

Daniels: He’s fucked. The info that Burrell passed to Nerese is ticking time bomb. That combined with the fact that his department just bankrupted the city looking for a non-existent serial killer. Carcetti is going to dump him faster than hot potato.

Rawls: Carcetti hates him. He’ll probably be an bystander of the politicians.

Carcetti: If there’s one thing the Wire preaches it’s that the system promotes failure. Carcetti has failed at every single one of his election promises. He killed Hamsterdam which would have solved the crime/drug problem. He killed the education initiative which would have cleaned up the corners. He killed major crimes which could have been on Marlo and the Co-op. Carcetti will win for governor on his <ahem> “record, kill the incumbent on the homeless issue and he’ll do it with the support of the Baltimore sun.

Clay Davis: The game is the game. Davis will keep on being a smooth talking con artist. He gets off Scott-fre.

Templeton: He’ll also get off free. He’ll win the pulitzer, and because he follows chain of command he’ll likely get off without repercussion as the editorial board will likely support him

Gus Haynes: His time at the paper is over. Perhaps he’ll go on to write a novel or a TV show. Who knows? 🙂

Marlo: Levy will get him out, maybe. Drug dealers don’t last very long in the wire. Every character we’ve seen on the street has short life span compared to non-street characters. This is just a reflection of society. If you play with drugs and guns, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to end up dead or in jail (Stringer, Avon, Omar, Snoop, Prop Joe, Weebay, stinkum, Deangelo, Bodie…sorry I’m still upset over Bodie). The list of dead thugs on the show is pretty extensive.If you decide to leave the life you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting out alive (Cutty, Namond). Since it’s pretty unlikely that Marlo is willing to go quietly…

1) Levy gets him out. He goes after Michael.

2) Partlow kills Marlo

3) Freamon lies about the C.I. They claim that the piece of paper that Bunk found in Omar’s hand proves that he was the C.I., had inside info on the functioning of Marlo’s organization and gave them the tip about the clocks. Marlo goes to jail. (which would be cool because we could create spinoff of show of Avon and Marlo in jail 😉

Partlow: Either gonna kill Marlo or going to jail, or going after Michael for killing snoop.

Duquan: The new bubbles. He has no connections to anyone in the city anymore. The preview for the ep shows Prezbo making a cameo. In all likelihood though, Dookie ends up on the street with a new heroin addiction. They’ve been hinting at it all season.

Michael: No idea how this is going to end for him. He’s been the most unpredictable character on the show. He seemed clearly headed towards being a thug, then discovered he didn’t have the heart for it, but he still managed to kill Snoop. When it comes down to it, Michael will do whatever he has to to protect himself. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him take out Marlo.

The Greek: Business, always business.

THE HABS

So the habs beat up on the Steve Samkos’ future team. Somebody please explain to me HOW THE FUCK PATRICE BRISEBOIS IS ALLOWED ON THE ICE!!! I don’t care if he scored a goal. He’s one of the worst hockey players I’ve seen in my entire life. He’s a lazy fuck. He makes the players around him worse. He takes no personal responsibility on the ice, he can’t play defense and he can’t shoot. He’s a bad influence in the locker room, and I don’t want him around any of the young habs. He has no problem losing, and that’s not an attitude I want to see out of this team. I want Carey Price to imbued with the Spirit of St. Patrick. I want him to take every goal he lets in personally. I want him to make Sidney Crosby his bitch.

Please for the love of god, will someone please take the Breezer out.

How bad were the Habs in the 90’s? Patrice “Breeze-by” Brisebois and Andre “Red-light” Racicot were on the same team. I’m not even making up those nicknames. Those are their actual nicknames.

I love Bob Gainey. He makes excellent moves, refuses to cave into giving up to much to players and other GM’s, but he also does weird inexplicable things. Like trading Huet for what will be a worthless second round pick, trading Rivet for a worthless pick, or signing Brisebois. Sometimes I get the feeling the Gainey is being a nice guy and just throws out a favour to friends every once in awhile. I was pretty sure that Brisebois signing with this team during the summer was a sign of the apocalypse. The Breezer manged to fuck up the first quarter of the season before Carbo had enough sense to sit his malignant fucking ass on the bench.

The Chick Situation

Still no contact with dreamgirl. I was feeling moderately better about the whole thing until last night, when I was home studying and I’m pretty sure she was sucking some guys’ cock. How does one become a stalker? Is that something that turns out well? Where does one obtain information on how to stalk effectively? Shouldn’t there be a FAQ or something? The amount of will-power I have to dedicate to not checking her MSN online status or Facebook updates is just ridiculous. I think at this point I’ve exerted way more energy trying to avoid her than I would have had I just been stalking her like a normal rejected loser.

On the plus side I got messages from 2 different girls that I had hooked up with earlier this year. Both of which I never managed to seal the deal with, and didn’t have the energy to chase (dreamgirl’s got me so fucked up that not only am I not getting to fuck her, she stops me from wanting to fuck other chicks. How fucked up is that?

Anyways, girl #1 aka UnitGirl, sent me a text message on fri when she found out that I was in the building where she works. Unfortunately I was in a class, and couldn’t make it out to see her. Even more unfortunate, I don’t think I’ve got enough time at the moment to chase her down.

Girl #2 aka Fashionista, sent me a message out of the blue to see what was up. I think she thinks I might have been playing hard to get, so she’s become interested again, or lonely. Who the fuck knows. I think the second I move to ask her out on a date, she’ll bolt. So I might just suggest coffee or breakfast…something benign and non-threatening.

This of course is complicated by by the imminent return of girl #3 aka FractureGirl from parts unkown today. One date into it so far. She’s got a smoking body, but we haven’t broached the subject of age yet. I’m waiting to see her naked before I bring that up. Once she finds out about the age discrepancy…this should pretty much be over.

Which brings us to girl #4, aka CuckoldGirl. She finally broke up with the boyfriend. I get the feeling that she expects me to ask her out and for us to start dating. I’m not really sure what to do with that?

On that note I guess I should probably get back to work. Fuck you!@!

Gnutella Is the only substance in the world that you always simultaneously have too much and not enough of in your mouth. Discuss.

March 6, 2008

Gnutella

Another girl I won’t ever get the chance to sleep with.

March 5, 2008

Daisy de la Hoya

Not for nothing, but that chick is Oscar de la Hoya’s niece. So….the question if I told you that you could fuck this chick but first you had to last 3 rounds in the rings with De La Hoya, would you take it? Keep in mind he knows that you’re leaving the ring to go bang the hell out of his niece, so he’s not going to spare you. He’s taking you to the hole!

I’d do it, and I’m a giant pussy. My stategy would be pretty simple. After he hits me the first time, I go down…and I stay down. Then I go down on her. Why? Cuz she’s hot! That’s why!

THE WIRE

There’s two important questions that need to be answered. First of all the greatest scenes in the history of the show. This is a toughie. There’s some obvious candidates. (Omar in court, Omar vs. Mouzzone, Omar and Mouzzone vs. Stringer, Omar vs Chris, Snoop and Michael WTF!!!) but to answer that question would require more time than I have at the moment.

A simpler question would be what order would you place the seasons from best to worst.

1. Season 4 – This season just kicked ass. Marlo taking over, Chris and Snoop’s trips to the vacants (not to mention Snoop almost killing someone for thinking they might be from NY). Prezbo as a teacher, the infamous “Fuck you Mr. Colvin!” scene, Omar’s trip to jail (I didn’t think there was anyway he was making it out of there alive). Oh yeah, and the boys, Namond, Michael, Dookie and Randy. The kids were just outstanding. If they had changed the actress for Namond’s mom (although to be fair, the whole point was that she was a narcissistic cunt), and give McNulty a little more love…it might just have been perfect.

Gratuitous Nudity: …

2. Season 3 – Hamsterdam, Bunny, Rawls ripping shit up at the Comstat meetings, tons of Omar! Avon going free, the end of B+B. Simon tried to set up the Wire as a visual novel. Season 3 is the climax.

Gratuitous Nudity: Terry D’agostino (holy crap what a body). Carcetti’s ugly naked white ass.

3. Season 1 – The original. First time we clearly see that the police department and the Barksdale organization have identical hierarchies. The emphasis on the amount of work needed to lay a wire case. Daniels calling out Carver as a snitch. Daniels blackmailing

Gratuitous Nudity: The lesbo scene, where Kima actually looks hot

4. Season 5 – Overall weaker than the 2 seasons that preceded it, but balanced out by some of the best scenes in the show’s run, plus a plethora of cameos (Nicky Sobotka, Prezbo, Namond, Bunny, Cutty, Randy, union guy, Royce, hooker chick that bought smokes in season 3….the list goes on). McNulty’s scene where he manipulates the crime scene is just inspired genius, as is Freamon’s reaction when Bunk tells him. The FBI profile of the serial killer might be the funniest scene in the show. Clay Davis grandstanding. Avon making Marlo his bitch. Marlo saying goodbye to Prop Joe. Omar waging guerilla warfare on the streets of B-more, and my personal favorite Omar’s ripping Chris, Cheese and Spider (or is it Monk) when he finds out that Omar has been talking trash about him.

Gratuitous Nudity: The blonde McNulty is fucking while he flashes his badge

5. Season 2 – Omar testifying against Bird is probably most people’s favorite scene. There are a ton of things that happen in season two that are incredibly important to subsequent seasons. Unfortunately the season gets crushed under the weight of the Dock storyline. Ziggy Sobotka doing his best Screech from Saved by Bell imitation was almost too annoying to stand. However Stringer pulling the trigger on Deangelo was the beginning of the end, and started the buildup to the confrontation between Avon and Stringer, which ultimately leads to the Mouzzone/Omar/Stringer showdown (which was un-be-fucking-lievable)

Gratuitous Nudity: Kristin Proctor’s breasts, McNulty’s menage-a-trois

Dreamgirl

So even though its clear I need to get over her, I need some way of replacing her…with someone hotter. Obviously since I can’t get Dreamgirl to fuck me, I won’t be able to fuck a hotter girl. Anyone know how I can get a girl hotter than the one that shot me down?

“Gots to. It’s America.”

March 5, 2008

The Wire is coming to an end….sheeeeeeeeeeeit. Its kinda crazy that the show has one episode left, and even though it is by far the best show that has ever been on television, no one has ever heard of it. You could ask every person you met for an entire week if they’ve ever even heard of the Wire, and I’d bet you dollars to donuts no more than 1 person would have heard of it.

The Wire is the brainchild of David Simon. It’s semi-based on his experience researching the drug trade in Baltimore during his tenure as a reporter at the Baltimore Sun. The show is unique for several reasons. The continuity on the show is beyond anything we’ve ever seen on television. Tiny little elements that are completely glanced over have huge payouts to the audience years down the line. The show’s commitment to continuity is just one element that demonstrates the commitment Simon has put into his opus.

The show has around 30 major characters each season. Every character in the show is treated evenly. Meaning that there are no clear cut villains or heroes. People do not attempt to constatnly define themselves for the audience benefit. There are no long drawn out pointless romances, ongoing mysteries are solved (Lost? Hello, Lost?) , the characters in the Wire are people. Real people.

The percentage of the cast portrayed by african americans or minorities is significantly higher than any other show on television. The show is genuine reflection of life in a major city. It’s major accomplishment is that it essentially demonstrates how similar all these people are. Politicians and drug lords operate by the same system of interconnected rules, known as “The game”.

I keep wanting to post youtube clips of this shit, but the show isn’t popular enough to have been youtubed substantially. I might have to pull my own clips for you fine folks…assuming of course anyone ever actually ends up reading these posts.

by the way have I mentioned that this chick shows her tits?

Kristin Proctor

Dreamgirl

So still no progress on coming up with a new name for her. I can’t decide what’s worse. The fact that I can’t come up with a name for her, or that I actually waste time in my day trying to come up with a name. She hasn’t been on MSN at all today, which means that she’s probably taken a day off from work so her ass munching boyfriend can spend the day pounding her from behind.

It’s funny how the more depressed I get about this the hornier I get. I think my consumption of porn has doubled in the last week and half. One fortunate side effect was that I cam across this clip of Kristen Bell (another underapreciated show…well the first 2 seasons anyways. Season 3 was a turdburger with a side of turd coleslaw.)

THE HABS

Next game isn’t until tomorrow night. I just read that the players were allowed to bring family members with them on this trip. The Habs chartered a plane, and flew everyone down. Fucking brilliant. So the longest road trip of the season, the best chance for the team to bond on the road just got ruined because all the bitches are going to be there the whole time giving the players headaches about daily shit. The habs need to be out kicking ass and taking numbers on this trip not standing around holding purses.

Ahem, http://www.canada.com/theprovince/news/story.html?id=0961f342-bdb2-466f-acfa-9bd527e71750&k=83087

If You Gotta Go…go with a smile :). The NBA, Batman, the holocaust and more. All for one low, low price!

March 5, 2008

I have absolutely no fucking idea where that picture of JACK! is from. Alls I know is, that thing is fucking scary. For some reason I find that pic more maniacal than the new shots of Heath Ledger’s Joker. Obviously after Dark Knight comes out (and rules the fucking earth!), its going to become cool to trash Jack’s Joker for Ledger’s benefit. Not so much because Ledger will be awesome (which he will be) or because he’s dead (celebrities are always cooler when they die. I’m looking at you Mr. Cobain!), but because the Dark Knight movie is going to be far superior to Burton’s Batman flick.

Basically the way this works is similar to the Lebron-Kobe discussion in the NBA. When you ask the question who is the best player in the NBA, the discussion inevitably boils down to those two guys. You can throw in your Duncans, Nowitzkis, Nashs (although not lately), Howards, Garnetts). Ultimately though, those are the two guys. Those are the two guys that can decide on any given night that they’re the best player on the court against any team, on any night, and singlehandedly win the game. They enter the Jordan zone and become untouchable. Athletes get in that zone where they just become possessed.

Pertinent Examples

1. Patrick Roy – 1993 Playoffs. Absolutely a force of nature. Once he decided that the puck would not go behind him…it would not go behind him.

2. Michael Jordan – Too Many Examples to Mention – Yeah he had some help from the referees (…on more than one occasion), but what do you expect from a league that models itself after Vince McMahon and the WWE. Yeah, I did just manage to combine Jordan and McMahon into a sentence. Why? Because I’m awesome that’s why! Oooh I did it again, I’m double awesome.

3. Tiger Woods – Golf. Golf is not really a sport. I don’t watch golf, because I assume that the only people that care about golf are people who are strapped to their wheelchairs against their wills and have their eyes propped open Clockwork Orange style. Golf is the laziest thing I can think of doing…except for watching other people play golf.

Clockwork Orange

In spite of that, I’m pretty sure that whatever it is Tiger keeps doing in front of the disabled, is basically impossible.

4. Roger Federer – What can I say, dude really knows how to play with his balls.

No I am not above a penis joke.

5. Tom Brady – 18-0 Patriot Season. Also have you seen what he’s banging? That’s just not normal.

The point being, in the NBA right now. There are 2 guys that can achieve that plateau. Kobe and Lebron. Both have the ability to dominate the game at either end of the court for the entire game. The difference is one plays for a team full of slow, broken, shitty, selfish, dumb, pukey-smelling coached by watermelon with scoliosis and “genui-ine” Leno chin and the other plays for the Lakers.

That’s what this next Batman move is going to do to the original. That’s how high my expectations are. Nolan is just a better director. He’s in the Jordan Zone (JZ…does anyone know how to make the little TM sign here?) Chris Nolan and Peter Jackson are the Kobe and Lebron of Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Well you can suck my cock. I’ve got high expectation for this movie.

Kinda like I had high expectations for dreamgirl. Who I’ve decided to rename. The name dreamgirl is too generic and too flattering. I need a name that somehow combines how unbelievably perfect she is, while subtly reminding people that she ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and stomped on it with her heels. You know, something sexy.

Anyways, still no contact with her today. I think by now she must have figured out that I know she’s dating someone. She’s probably decided that this is all my problem, and that when I decide I can be friends with her she’ll be ready to be my friend again. Well that’s exactly what is not going to happen. I am not going to allow myself to fall into the trap of being her friend again. That sucked ass. You spend all your time with a person who you can’t stop thinking about putting your dick into, and she can’t even look at you sexually. That was not healthy.

I feel like there’s a greater than %50 chance that she’s sucking her new boyfriend’s dick right now, just to pay me back for writing that whole sentence.

What I figured today is that basically I have to treat dreamgirl (fuck I need a new name for her), like the Jews treat Hitler after the Holocaust. There’s no retribution for holocaust survivors. Killing nazis at the end of WWII wouldn’t make it even for all the things the survivors were forced to endure, or their loved ones that were killed. The only revenge that the the Jews could have was to do the one things the Nazi’s didn’t want them to do…LIIIIIVE!!!!

Its not fair that she gets to fucking perfect AND be happy about sucking her new boyfriend’s cock, when I’m the one that got rejected, and now I’m miserable all the time. Well I can’t fix being rejected, because I suck and I’m a loser, but I can stop being miserable all the time. So my new resolution is to stop being miserable. Instead of acting the way I feel, (shitty and dejected, for those of you that were wondering), I’m going to act happy and lucky-go. I really am turning into the class clown, who makes all the other kids laugh, while he’s crying on the inside.

Anyways, my hands are getting arthritic-ish. So let me just finish by saying pointing out the west coast trip was going to be a disaster for the Habs, and how the fuck do you not pull Price in a game where he give up 6 goals?!?!?! Carbo, what happened? Were you distracted watching golf on the TV?

TWO-A-DAY

March 3, 2008

No, that’s not the number of times I jerked off today (yet). That’s my second post of the day. Why? Fuck you, that’s why.

I thought the blogging would make me feel a bit better. Nope. I still feel like Dreamgirl ripped my hear out, threw it to the ground, kicked me in the balls and laughed in my face about how she would never date someone like me.

Mola-Ram

Let’s be fair though. Even though she’s ridiculously hot, has an ass you could bounce a quarter of off and perfect blowjob lips, she’s probably terrible in bed. I’m pretty sure she’s the type of woman that lies there in bed like a fish getting fucked, checking her watch every couple of minutes to see if it’d done yet. I mean i’ve never met anyone so disinterested in sex…or maybe it was just sex with me. Well there’s a happy thought.

The scary thing about all this to me is that I’ve been avoiding dreamgirl for the last few weeks. I couldn’t cope with the rejection anymore. But she kept acting like everything was cool, and we were still friends (even though I’ve been a moody, depressed unpleasant fuck since she shot me down. So she keeps sending me this little invitations to come have sushi with her, or study together or some other bullshit that will not result in her taking her clothes off. The thing that really scares me though, is once she clues in, and those invitations stop coming.

That’ll suck. At least now I’m a rejected loser, who she keeps around as a pity friend. When that happens I’ll just be a rejected loser.

On a completely unrelated note, I was waiting in line today to do some bullshit registration thing at work. This chick comes up to the counter to get registered while I was waiting. Anyways, I get a good look at her, but she doesn’t see me cuz i’m sitting behind her. For the love of God I cannot remember her name. We went out a couple of times, we fooled around, and then one of us pulled the vanishing act (I think i’m the guilty party there, but since I can’t remember I’m distributing the blame evenly. It’s only fair). A

So what to do? I fooled around with her a couple of times, but have absolutely no recollection of her name. Should I have gone over, said hello, seen what was up? I have no idea. In my current state of rejection however (fuck you dreamgirl), I just grabbed my ID and slinked away. Felt kinda cowardly, but I really didn’t want anything to do with her at this point, or for her to see how miserable I am.

THE HABS

I’ve got a bad feeling about this West Coast trip. The Habs are usually shit when they head south. The spend too much time trying to put their dicks to score, and not enough scoring on the ice. I think this is the make or break trip for my boys, but I’m expecting to see Price pulled from the middle of a game at least once on this trip.

The only hope I’m holding out is that somehow the team leaves for the trip without Brisebois. I’d love to rant about how much the Breezer sucks but I don’t have enough hatred in my heart right now for Dreamgirl and the Breezer.

…and so it begins

March 3, 2008

It’s a rather ignominious start to my blogging career. But I figured since hatred seems to be the one unadulterated pure emotion I’m feeling these days that doesn’t result in me feeling depressed, suicidal, despondent or lonely, I’d use that as the over all modus thematicus of this blog.

To summarize

Fuck you bitch. Fuck you and your perfect hair. Your perfect tits. Fuck your perfect smile. Fuck the way you’re always happy. Fuck you and your perfect life. Fuck you and your new perfect boyfriend, and your perfect fucking future together. Fuck you and your career. Fuck you for being successful.

You get the new boyfriend, and to pass your exam, and the wonderful career and the free drinks and private rooms at clubs. You get life delivered to you on a silver platter. Fuck you. I hate that you never gave me a chance. I hate that I’m never going to the be one that you feel special about, fuck you for never giving me the chance to prove that I could be that person. Fuck you for keeping me in the friend zone. Yeah you were fantastic about not “leading me on”. Gee, I feel so much fucking better now. Thank god you didn’t lead me on.

Yeah, so you get to feel good about all this at the end of the day, and I’m a borderline psychotic, high-functioning drug addict who is going to fail his exam in a month, and not be able to graduate or work. How is that fair? You reject me, you get to be happy, have a perfect relationship, perfect life, perfect job, and I’m left here alone, miserable and with nothing to look forward to.

Well fuck you!

The HABS are in first place. The habs haven’t been in first place since 1989 if I remember correctly. I can’t even remember it all that well. I vaguely recall that we were duking it out with Calgary for #1 overall. ( I could be wrong, but I couldn’t find an easy online source to check this). I’ll gladly settle for 1st in the East, since there’s no way we’re catching Detroit.

The funny thing is that I don’t feel as excited about this 1st place Habs team as I did about any of the other Habs teams of the last 2 decades. Maybe it’s because deep down I know that this team isn’t as good as the standings indicate. There’s a reason why most of the experts picked the Habs to finish out of the playoffs.

The youngins (with the exception of Ryder) have all been playing way better than anyone expected. Mr Kovalev must have taken acid before the season started. It’s the only way to explain why he keeps flashing back to 2000-01. At this point Kovalev must be flashing back more often than Desmond from Lost. Then this Plekanec fellow decides that he’s going to channel the spirit of Wayne Gretzky, and suddenly even though Koivu is having a bad year, the Habs are an elite team.  Desmond Hume - aka Alexei Kovalev’s long lost brother, Brotha!@!

I can’t really explain it. Although one potential explanation may be the Ewing Theory.

Long time readers or ESPN’s Bill Simmons are already familiar with the theory. (Which you can read about over here, http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print?id=1193711) But basically it can be summarized as follows:

  1. A star athlete receives an inordinate amount of media attention and fan interest, and yet his teams never win anything substantial with him (other than maybe some early-round playoff series).
  2. That same athlete leaves his team (either by injury, trade, graduation, free agency or retirement) — and both the media and fans immediately write off the team for the following season.

How does this apply to the Habs. Well, consider the free agent flight of Sheldon Souray. Now I have to admit that Souray is by no means in the same class as previous athletes that have proven the Ewing Theory time and time again. People like Ewing, Randy Johnson, A-rod, Tiki Barber, etc… All of these guys were elite athletes whose teams clearly did better once they left. I can’t explain this phenomenon, I don’t think Simmons can explain it. But it seems clear that there are certain star athletes who thrive on shitty teams, and when you remove the negative elements associated with that star, the rest of the team responds by improving their performance. This is a true example of why it’s always better to have a team in a team sport, rather than individual star in a team sport.

Well our good friend Sheldon, ran out on les habitants. He was widely regarded as the reason why the power play was so effective. It was presumed that once he left that power play would turn to shit, and the team that couldn’t score at even-strength would be doomed to the golf course come May. Instead, the habs are the 2nd highest scoring team in the NHL and have the #1 power-play.

I guess sometimes in life, you can never tell which way things are going to turn out.

I still hate you fantasy girl, you and your perfect fucking life. I hope it all comes crashing down. You get fat, have lots of cellulite, lose your looks and have to spend the rest of your life giving handjobs on the street for crack. Yeah I’m doing fine, fuck you!@!