Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

March 28, 2008

So yesterday I arrive at the library to start studying and my cellphone goes off like 10 times in the first 10 minutes that I’m there. Studying has become mildly tolerable of late, simply because I now have several friends that all have exams approaching, and consequently now have a cohort of people to turn to in moments of boredom. One of the text messages is from fantasy girls best friend/cousin.

It reads something along the lines of “gee, you’ve seemed really down lately, and I feel bad for you”. Basically this is the most insulting text message I’ve ever gotten.

You know what fantasy girls cousin? Fuck you! You think I want your fuck pity? What the fuck do i want with that bullshit? You think I care if you feel badly for me? You think I seem down lately? Where the fuck have you been for the last few months? I’ve been depressed out of my mind this entire year, I haven’t spoken to you in 2 months and all o the sudden you decide that I might be feeling glum? Fuck you.

You know what might help with that? How about not giving me shit advice when your cousin decided to shoot me down? How about not telling me to get over her and then setting her up with some guy? How about not treating me like a fucking joke? How about you bending over and letting me tear your asshole apart with my cock? How does that sound?

If your cousin isn’t in to good looking guys with good jobs who are nice and have giant cocks, there’s not much I can do to change that. You told me to get over her. So that’s what I’m fucking doing. I’m blogging, i went to see a shrink, i’m trying to study. You think this is easy? You think I don’t recognize the stupid fucking patters re: relationships that I create for mysllf? of course I do, and I don’t need your fucking pity. I don’t need you pretending you care, so you can go back to fantasy girl and the two of you can sit there and talk about how badly you feel for me while you laugh about how fantasy girl would never fuck me.

I’m moving on to bigger and better things.

Five Minutes Ago

Five minutes ago I picked up a hot fucking blonde in the lounge at work. She is teh hawtness !1!1!eleventy!1!

It honestly wasn’t even that hard. I asked her some stupid questions, smiled, made a dumb joke, pretended to be interested in what she was saying and got her email adress. I plan to have her sucking my cock by the end of next week.

I need a new nickname for this girl….to be determined.

The habs

So last night I was watching RDS and they were interviewing Carey Price. I haven’t seen the kid do any interviews before, and he looked absolutely painful. I’m sure he’ll grow into it eventually, but for a kid who’s won at every level he’s played at so far, and has achieved what he’s achieved thus far in the NHL, and will likely win the rookie of the year award, he’s alarmlingly bereft of cockiness. He needs a little Patrick Roy in him.

Speaking of Roy…yeah the fight his son got into was ridiculous. He should clearly be suspended for the remainder of the season. But the media’s reaction and criticism of Roy has been way out of line. They’re making him out to be a pseudo-pariah, and it’s quite frankly…ridiculous.

They’ve prosecuted him on circumstancial evidence. Maybe Roy told his son to go out and wail on the other goalie, maybe he told him to go and fight, then again maybe he didn’t. I find it comepletely ridiculous that that media has been lambasting Roy so fervently without any actual proof. Nobody is going to mistake Roy for a nice guy, he was a quintessential prima donna his entire career. There’s every indication that he’s going to continue to exhibit those characteristics for the remainder of his coaching/managerial career, but cut the guy some slack.

Even if he did tell his son to go out and fight, there’s likely little chance that he told his son to continue to wail on an opponent that had thrown out the white flag and wasn’t fighting back. Patrick Roy’s son was out of line, not Patrick Roy, and it would be nice to see the media address that issue with the same fervor and hyperbole with which they’ve condemned him. Instead this is just one more example of the media acting irresponsibly and fabricating a story so they gloat and sound of their own shrill voice.

5 more minutes later

I just picked up another woman at work. She works part time as a bartender and has a noise ring = guaranteed sex, good chance of anal.

Epilogue

I’m praying to get some sleep at work tonight, so that I can go to the library to study all day tomorrow. I’ve been having ridiculous amounts of gas lately. I’ve never farted this much in my entire life as far as I can remember. It might just be because my diet is complete and utter shit and I need to start eating things that are green again, or it might just be the stress from the impending exam. Ah well, see you fucker after the bump.

I got laid last night, and the Habs are in first place

March 24, 2008

So I was fucking exhausted all of day from fucking all of last night. I’ve got virtually no skills when it comes to pleasing a woman, so in a moment of inspiration I decided we should try to fuck in the shower. Suffice it to say, that did not go smoothly. It seemed like a really good idea at the time, but the angles and stuff just did not work out.

I don’t think I even got any credit for trying, although the blowjob afterwards was quite exquisite. If anyone has any suggestions on how to maxmize shower sex enjoyment I’m listening.

The Habs

The habs beat the pathetic Bruins again for their 11th straight victory over the B’s. I and every other Habs fan on the planet is praying that we get to play them in the first round.

The Habs were ok with Komisarek, at least for one night. Kostopoulos was sporting a nice shiner from his fight the other night, and Michael Ryder threw the hit of the night.Bouilon continues to bring nothing to the table, (it’s not that he’s bad, but his insistence on skating with the puck instead of head-manning it or making an outlet pass kills the forwards chance of creating scoring chance every time. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t seem to understand that in order for a pass to actually work, your teammate has to be aware that you’re actually passing them the puck, and his inability to clear anyone out in front of the net, and you have a pretty ineffective D-man.

Price, who i’m trying very hard to love, was making me nervous all night. He made some great saves. He’s going to be a good goalie in this league for years to come. What bother me is that he has the potential to be a GREAT goalie, if he were to just stop making some very simple mistake.

The wraparound goal by Savard was a clear example of this. He went down too early and then instead of just sliding over to cover the far side, he tried to stand up before sliding over. Result = goal!

Like I said, he’s only 20 years old, he’s going to be good, he clearly has insane amounts of talent, but I still think that at this moment Halak is further along in his development.

Epilogue

Its been a pretty quiet weekend. I’ve been busy with work/school stuff, so not much to bitch about at the moment. I’m sure something inane will happen shortly that will drive me crazy though.

KOVALEV SCORES

March 21, 2008

Wow that was a fucking goal!!!!

By the way according to http://wwwrealitycheckeyesontheprize.blogspot.com/ the Habs are 17-16-6 with Brisebois in the lineup, which means they are 27-8-4 with him on the pines. Surpris, surprise.

Killing through Kindness

March 21, 2008

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN SEVERAL DAYS AGO, BUT I FORGOT TO PUBLISH IT

Kindness

So as shitty as my life has been, I’d actually been feeling a little better over the last few days. I’ve actually been getting some hits on the blog site and feeling pretty good about that. (Although I suspect that most of those page views were accidental. Probably just people looking for stuff about the Raptors. As a result I will tagging every post the word “Raptors”).

Things were proceeding mostly according to plan with Fracturegirl and Cuckold girl. I had managed to do some actual studying instead of just pretending to study.

Then this morning everything went to shit again. Fantasy girl MSN’ed me out of the fucking blue. I’ve been deftly avoiding (aka hiding like a little girl) her since I found out she was fucking someone…that isn’t me.

She invites me over to her parent’s place for dinner next month. I politely decline, and then she starts talking about how she hasn’t seen me in such a long time and how we should go get sushi, and study together.

Yeah, let me tell how much that appeals to me. Listen I appreciate that she’s just trying to be nice, but she’s painfully oblivious to how infatuated I am with her and crushed I was when I found out she was seeing someone else. I’ve got the dent marks in my door to prove it.

Why the fuck would I want to spend an entire night with her and her perfect family, listening to them talk about fucking awesome her new boyfriend is? Honestly, can someone explain to me what the fuck she’s thinking? She’s not the type of person to throw shit like this in someone’s face. Can she honestly be this clueless? I mean she was clueless (or at least claims she was) about the fact that I was crushing on her. She was seemingly clueless about how devastated I was when she rejected me. Maybe she’s still clueless about how fucked I’ve been over the last few months because of her boyfriend.

This is a person that I would literally speak to everyday, hang out with several times a week, and that all has changed to the point where I have not spoken to her face to face in about 2 months, and while I don’t ignore I’ve limited my sentences to about 4 words each. How can she not tell that things are not healthy between us and that I have no interest in trying to be friends with her? Are women really that fucking stupid?

Here’s a list of things I would rather do than have to be subjected to sitting down to dinner with her family and her boyfriend and having to listen about how awesome their lives are for the entire night.

1. Pass a porcupine through my dick hole
2. Perform Neurosurgery…on myself
3. Root for the Leafs to win the cup
4. Admit the Tom Cruise is not gay
5. Be gangraped by the Cincinatti Bengals
6. Watch my parents having sex
7. Watch your parents having sex
8. Pour boiling hot honey all over my body, and then walk into beehive
9. Have one of my testicles put into a vice-grip, clamp the fucker and then have it served back to me as a delicious soup
10. You gethe point

I’d actually managed to stay weed-free for a couple of days, which considering how I’ve degenerated into a high-functioning drug addict over the last year is quite the accomplishment. The second she sent me those MSN messages, I felt like I had regressed to where I was a month ago. I’m right back to having obsessive thoughts, and not being able to concentrate, being unable to study, having to masturbate non-stop, and overall just feeling really shitty.

I really want to go smoke some weed, but I think that would just end up putting me back into that vicious cycle. So tomorrow when I get home, I’m going to take off for the library and try my best not to get high. Otherwise this shit is just going to keep repeating itself, I’ll end up as a drug-adled retard, and she’ll still be fucking someone…that isn’t me.

The Habs

The habs didn’t look very interested in the game saturday night. They were sloppy with the puck, and not making smart plays. In fairness they were playing an AHL team, so I can’t really blame them for coasting. The problem is if they try that type of shit against an NHL team, they are fucked. Fucked in the ass like Tom Cruise at a Scientology meeting. The playoff race is so tight right now , that the Habs could easily fall to 5th place. So taking a night off at this point in the season could cost them the home ice advantage, and with grand total of 7 months experience between the pipes leading them into the playoffs, the Habs are going to need all the help they can get.

Meanwhile multiple blogs are reporting that the Leafs and Habs had a tentative deal to send Sundin to Montreal for Chris Higgins, and the Habs first, second AND third round picks. That’s even more insane than the deal they were talking about TV this weekend!!!! There’s no way in fucking hell that Bob Gainey would give up Higgins and THREE draft picks for a month a half of Sundin. Never mind the fact that you’d potentially be setting up a Leafs dynasty for the next decade, who the fuck would even trade Higgins for Sundin – at this point in their careers – straight up?

That’s just beyond crazy. If that had happened I would have personally run Gainey’s traitorous ass down the 401 while screaming like John Goodman in the Big Lebowski “Do you see what happened to Pat Burns? Do you? Do you see what happens when you fuck the Montreal Canadiens in the ass?! Motherfucker!”

I’m choosing to believe that these retarded rumours are being started by the Leafs blowjob giving media horde, and that Monsieur Gainey is far too sharp to have ever made that trade.

I’m still upset about this. Godamnit that’s stupid.

The Next Great Depression

Oh yeah baby. I’m poor again. The depression is coming. Can u smeeeeeeeeell what the Bush is cooking?~

Today, I am a Coward

March 21, 2008

Coward

Yeah, so I’m not proud of it, but today was a solid day of infamy, a shining example of my cowardice and patheticness. I left my apartment for work this morning a little bit later than I normaly do. I had a bad feeling about this, because it moved me dangerously close to the time that fantasy girl leaves for work.

For the last 2 months I’ve been dreading it every time the elevator door opens. I keep picturing the doors opening, and fantasy girl standing there. It’s fucking horrible. I’ve even avoided going to they gym at times when i know she’s likely to be there.

This morning wasn’t quite that bad. Disaster was averted, but only because of the combination of me being a fucking nancy boy and a little bit of luck. As I was headed to the subway, I stopped in to get a Starbucks. When I started walking towards the subway, fantasy girl was walking about 15 feet ahead of me. I recognized her from the back of her head.

It was a bit of fucked up situation, cuz I didn’t want to be late for work but I also didn’t want to talk to her. As it turns out it was a good thing, I avoided her, cuz the train we both ended up on, ended up being delayed for like 30 minutes. Which would have meant me standing there listening for 30 minutes describing in detail how her stupid fucking perfect boyfriend delivers perfect cunilingus to her , followed by breakfast in bed, after he poops a shiny diamond out of his ass every morning.

So basically, I just ended up hiding behind her, following her down to the subway and not letting her see me. Then waiting for the train, I made a mad dash for the door and headed away from her.

I felt kinda shitty.

Then today I got home and looked at her facebook page (at least I haven’t looked at it in awhile), and saw that she had a post on her wall from some dude. I don’t know who the dude is, but I’m pretty sure she’s sucking his penis, and laughing at me the whole time.

Then at work this morning, one of my supervisors comes over and says “I hear you had a little breakdown a few weeks ago, over some chick that’s banging another dude, and you still think she’s going to fuck you”

Well except for the part where I think she’s going to fuck me, yeah, that’s pretty accurate. I mean for god’s sake, I STARTED A BLOG, and I saw a psychiatrist. I fucking hate psychiatrists.

Speaking of which, I saw the shrink again on wednesday. I felt like shit after I saw her the first time, but overall my mood had improved slightly, and since fantasy girl had just messaged me on MSN the previous day, I had some shit I wanted to get off my chest.

Instead, the session was comepletely useless. She fucked up her bookings, so I was only in there for like 20 minutes. Most of which she sent trying to convince me to go see a psychologist, ( I hate fucking psychologists even more than psychiatrists) and the rest of it lecturing me on how marijuana is bad for me.

I’d been feeling much better most of the week, partly due to the blogging I think. At the moment however, I really want some weed. I’m not going to buy any tonight though. The exam is closing in. I need to study. So i’m compromising. Instead of studying, or getting high, i’m sitting on my couch watching the Habs, Lost and March Madness. I think there’s a good basketball game on tonight as well.

The Habs

So the Habs have been mailing it in of late. Just some over all lacklustre efforts all around. Plus it doesn’t help having Brisebois in the lineup. That’s equivalent to ceding a 1 goal lead to the other team. I swear to god, you’d be better off putting a retarded monkey on skates, dressing him in Brisebois’ jersey.

TSN is pumping up how the Habs have p0wned the Bruins thus far this season. As usual the play by play team is openly rooting against the habs. Fuck those TSN assholes. At least they don’t suck as hard as the CBC.

I was getting all paranoid the other day thinking about this blog. It’s starting to generate some hits. I don’t know if people are actually reading this shit or just clicking by accident. It occured to me though, that a large number of my friends share similar interests, and that some of them may eventually find their way to this blog. Which would mean that fantasy girl, cuckold girl, fracture girl and all the people I’ve disparaged could potentially figure out who I am, even though I’ve tried not to give away any identifying details. I don’t know, I may have to start a seperate blog just for bitching about fantasy girl. I kind of like the idea of being encapsulated in a single site however, and its a bit of a pain in the ass to keep separate blogs.

The TSN halftime show is talking about no-touch icing again. What a punch of fucking pussies. Honestly these are PROFFESSIONAL ATHLETES. Why can’t the NHL stop fucking with the rules. THE RULES ARE NOT THE PROBLEM WITH THE NHL. Stop fucking with the rules. Let these guys play. They get paid millions of dollars per year, they can take care of themselves. Let em play, let em skate, let em hit. Injuries happen. Deal with it, get over it. Players can always be replaced, its the nature of the game. Those boarding injuries are almost always at least partially the part the fault of the defensemen. I’m tired of hearing about this. If this was a leafs game on TV, I can guarantee that they wouldn’t have spent the last 10 minutes talking about stupid boarding injuries, they would have spent 5 minutes sucking Sundin’s dick and another five deciding who gets to share his cum. Fucktards.

Random Shit

Brooke Burns retarded old gameshow is on TV right now. This show was cancelled years ago. But Brooke is so hot that this show will live on forever

Brooke Burns

Brooke Burns

The funny thing about this show, was the Brooke is so tall, she would always tower over all the male competitors and make it look none of those guys could ever handle her in bed. Hey Brooke baby, c’mere, I’ll handle you.

I like how at the end of that clip, Brooke subtly brushes the topless chicks hair out of her face. Heh-heh, never would have guessed her for rug-muncher, but can’t say i’m going to complain.

Epilogue

Just because I looked at it yesterday…

ALIZEE

Why the Internet is Awesome and You Suck

March 18, 2008

Yeah, the internet is awesome, and yeah you do suck. Really though the title should be “Why the internet is awesome and sucks at the same time.”

Basically my blog got a hit of an internet search item the other day. The search term was “kristin proctor nude”. The next day there was another hit of the search engine, this time the search term was “kristin proctor breasts”.

I can only interpret this as someone deciding to jerk off to Kristin Proctors breasts. Failing to find sufficient fappage material and then waiting an entire day before they realised, “hey, maybe if try searching for ‘breasts’ instead of ‘nude’ I might find some more jerkoff material.

That is why the internet is awesome.

Unfortunately my sexually frustrated friend, there is a total lack of naked Kristin Proctor on the Interwebs.

That is why the internet sucks.

There is only one way that I can think of to remedy this situation. We need more naked Kristin Proctor. A lot more! But I’m willing to negotiate. So I’d like to make an open plea to Ms. Proctor. Please ma’am you have more talent in one of those fantastically fake boobies than half the chicks in hollywood. It would be a crime to waste them during your peak hot years, before waiting to display them in all their glory once you’re fat and unattractive.

Therefore I am hereby starting the “Let’s get Kristin Proctor Naked” Movement.

Stated goals of this movement are as follows:

1. Get Kristin Proctor naked
2. Videotape or photograph above nudity
3. Distribute on the Internet
4. ????
5. Profit!!!!

Sam Mitchell Has No Idea What He’s Doing

March 17, 2008

Sam Mitchell

Look I wanted Sam Mitchell fired a year ago. Then Bryan Colangelo went and turned the Raptors from one of the worst teams in the NBA into a pretty respectable one. Chris Bosh went on a diet consisting of nothing but human growth hormone and aborted Phillipino fetuses, and somehow all of that translated into Mitchell winning coach of the year. Essentially meaning that Colangelo had to wait at least one year (if the Raps had sucked comepletely this year) or more likely 2 before he fires Mitchell.

There seems to be something intrinsic to the Colangelo’s family’s DNA. They just go out and build championship teams. Bryan Colangelo is a Jedi Knight, like his father before him.

He’s done a phenomenal job of rebuilding this Raptors team. To the point where someone like me who spent a good decade actively loathing the NBA and basketball actually looks forward to watching the Raptors and chooses to watch NBA games now over NHL games. It helps that the NHL puts out a shit product that gets worse every year, and that the NBA is having one of the most interesting and competitive seasons in its history.

None of this however, belies the fact that Sam Mitchell is a horrible coach. I like the guy. He seems very affable. I think if I were at a party, I’d like to hang out with him. He seems to have a pretty good sense of humour and does a good job getting along with his players, but as a coach…he needs some seasoning.

I don’t know how many more times I can watch Andrea Bargnani post up at the 3-point line. Or be forced to watch TJ Ford bounce around the floor like like a broken Etch-a-sketch, or the disorganized melee the Raps fall into when they’re losing in the final minutes of a game. His inability to call plays to get the ball to his playmakers is beyond frustrating.

Etch-a-sketch

The Raptors have been getting killed on this west coast trip, and to be fair that’s not at all surprising. This is a team that just absolutely stunk 2 years ago. They’ve been rebuilt into a competitive team in a very short time. Granted they wasted their #1 overall pick on Garbage-nani, but in the Eastern Conference they’re a competitive team. They’re not an elite team like Boston or Detroit, but on any other given night they have the ability to beat anyt other team in teh conference. Unfortunately, competitive in the East means you don’t have a shot in hell at making the playoffs in teh West. Throw in the absence of Chris Bosh, and there’s no way the Raps were coming out of this trip alive.

Let me just state one thing here. Even though the Raptors lost again tonight… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD BOSH BE RUSHED BACK EARLY FROM HIS INJURY!!!!

The raptors are making the playoffs. With Bosh they have a shot of winning the first round, and becoming the fluke team of the 2nd round. Without Bosh, they couldn’t win a high school basketball tournament. The shouldn’t even give Bosh the option of coming back early. Whenever he says he’s ready, they should make him sit out another 2 games just to be sure he’s not lying. You know he’s dying watching this team lose from the bench. This is the guy that gave Vince Carter (aka fugly ass munching-cocksucking-felching queefer head) a complete stare-down, when Vince was doing his usual “Aw-shucks, gee, gosh darnit I guess we lost another one” routine. Bosh basically looked at that lazy fuck and said “I know professional athletes, and you sir are no professional athlete!”.

Btw how awesome would that be as a NBA commercial or an SNL skit. Just have Bosh looking at Carter in disgust for a full minute at how lazy his apathetic ass is.

But I digress. The point here is that watching the last couple of minutes of the Toronto-Sacramento game it’s painfully clear Mitchell has no idea what he’s doing. The Kings were allowed to waste clock with impunity in the last 2 minutes, while the Raptors trailed by multiple possessions. Then even though he had Delfino at the line shooting foul shots, Mitchell still couldn’t communicate to his players that he wanted no foul. What happens? They waste another 10 seconds and then foul anyways.

Then with the raptors done by 5, he takes Capono, the best 3-point shooter in the league out of the game, and lets Jamario Moon miss a 3. Everybody loves Moon. He’s another guy who seems like he’d be fun at a party, but no one is ever going to mistake this guy for a clutch player. He’s fun to watch, he can jump a mile, but he still makes fundamental errors with incredible frequency. You can make the rookie exscuse all you want, but the guy is like 27 years old. He’s been doing this awhile, and its unlikely he’s going to improve much further.

The Raptors kept giving up offensive boards. He could have at least tried bringing Garbage-nani into the game. Get a big body in, that (at least pretends to be able) to rebound, and can shoot a 3. Instead we end up with Moon shooting 3’s and Carlos Delfino thinking he’s the point guard out there.

I’m getting more aggravated with this, but Jose Calderon needs to step up. Quite frankly the guy is a phenomenal basketball player. Have you seen the shots of him during half time, fetching Gatorade for his teammates? It’s no coincidence that the Raptors were playing there best basketball of the season when TJ Ford was injured, and Calderon had to play all those minutes.

Jose Calderon

Calderon stepped up. He realized the team wouldn’t be able to win without him scoring. So he started shooting more, and because he was hitting his shots teams had to play him to shoot, which made his passing more effective. Looking at the guys stats, he’s the best kept secret in the league. Now that Ford is back though, Calderon is acting like the backup quarterback on a varsity team.

Jose, you’re the 2nd best player on this team. Act like it. Walk with some swagger. Act like a jerk. You deserve to.

Calderon at his best is like Steve Nash before he became STEVENASH! Considering Nash just won 2 MVPs, I’m cool with that.

(Btw does anyone else find it strange that even though LeBron is clearly having a better statistical season than Kobe, and is playing with absolutely shi-ite teammates every night, the media has already decided Kobe is winning the MVP award? Seems to me like they’re voting based on seniority and not merit)

Anyways, until Colangelo finds an exscuse to fire Mitchell and bring in a real coach, they trade TJ Ford and Garbage-nani for someone who can reboud and let Calderon play like a #1 point guard, the Raptors are not going anywhere.

The Chick Situation

So brunch with FractureGirl went pretty well. I had to leave her to go study, but managed to some PG-13 rated action before saying goodbye. She sent me a slew of text messages afterwards so clearly she thought it was going well as well.

Still very limited progress on discerning the age difference between us, but I’m going to wait until after I see her naked before I bring this up. Like I said, that’ll be the exit strategy.

I was supposed to meet Cuckoldgirl right afterwards, but she ended up bailing on me. Which was actually good, cuz I ended up getting a decent amount of studying done for a change.

No news on fantasy girl, except for the recurring hourly nightmares in my head of her lying on a couch while her boyfriend pleasures her, at the same time that she’s pointing and laughing at me.

I haven’t smoked any weed in a couple of days. Which is not to say that I haven’t still been depressed about fantasy girl, but I have noticed that my mood has been slightly better. I actually smiled today for no particular reason, while I was walking down the street listening to The Killers.

Epilogue

I think that’s all for now. It’s past my bedtime. I do need post this link though. It’s like “There’s Something About Mary” only…not funny. (and probably not as hot as Cameron Diaz was in that movie. Man she used to be hot)

http://startelegram.typepad.com/sky_talk/2008/03/woman-files-law.html

It seriously deserves its own post but fuck you guys, i’m lazy and no one reads this shit anyways.

PS – just in case anyone is wondering I think I must have spent half of high school jerking off to this clip

Pet Peeve of the day

March 16, 2008

Smoking Britney

I haven’t posted a blog entry in a few days. To be honest, I was a little surprised, my last few blog entries actually got a few hits, which means that someone is actually reading this thing. Which is fucking scary. I mean there’s some personal shit on this page. I started blogging because I was feeling depressed (unless you ask the psychiatrist, in which case I was anxious, wtf?) but I had been feeling better the last few days which I guess is why I wasn’t able to maintain my usual level of vitriole and hatred to post something the last few days.

Well yesterday, I ran out of weed. So now I’m sober.

Turns out sobriety is…um….boring.

No, really. There are really very few benefits to not being high. Now granted my marijuana usage has been a little out of control for the last little while, and my inability to study is probably related to that fact, (although I prefer to blame the fact that Fantasygirl is sucking another guy’s cock), but goddamnit shit is boring when you’re sober. Video games are less interesting, movies are less appealing, jerking off is less exciting… I don’t know. If I didn’t have to study, I’d probably reconsider trying to abstain from drugs for the next few weeks. I don’t know if I’ll actually be succesful, cuz apparently I do have a drug problem, but who the fuck knows.

My pet peeve of the day is pretty simple actually. Why is that when the person at the cash gives you their change, they can’t simply place it on the counter or drop it into my hand? Why do they feel obligated to get their grimy disgusting hands, and by extension the hands of every other customer they’ve touched today, all over my hands.

Put the fucking change on the counter. I’ll pick it up. Drop it in my hand. That’s why God invented gravity motherfucker. Instead you put the bill on my hand and then the change on top of the bill. So now I can’t drop the bill in my wallet without dropping my change all over the floor (because my other hand is holding my bag or coffee or whatever), and I can’t put the change in my wallet, because I can’t use my thumb without letting go of the bill. This is why i no longer feel bad about using my credit card to buy things that are under $10. My policy now is to use my credit card for absolutely everything. I bought a bagel with my credit card last week. Didn’t even feel bad about it.

The Chick Situation

Victoria Beckham

So this morning I walk over to Starbucks to get a cup of coffee as part of my continuing efforts to procrastinate and fail my exam. There’s this retardedly hot blonded sitting by the window with some douchebag. The blonde has one of these tight, tight bodies, with a pair of one of the most unnatural breasts I’ve ever seen. Her beautiful fake booboes were basically falling out of her shirt. The douchebag who is out on what is clearly their first “getting to know you date” is absolutely killing the conversation. I don’t know, maybe he was distracted by her cleavage or something, but dude seriously, focus! I wasn’t even talking to the chick and all I was thinking about was leaving a giant jizz bomb on her chest. You need to keep your head in the game man. I was tempted to go over there and try to pick her up (which actually would have helped him, since they at least would have had something to talk about instead of saying things like “i like my job” “i like cats” “my cat’s breath smells like cat food”, but I felt kinda bad for the guy. Rest assured however, the next time I see that chick in starbucks I will be spilling my soy-milk-no whip-grande mocha all over her shirt. mmmmm….wet boobies…sigh.

Ralph Wiggum - nose picking

Does anyone know how to pick up the Barista at starbucks? There’s 2 really cute Barista’s at my starbucks. I’m not picky, i’d fuck either. Both. Whatever. I have absolutely no idea how to do this. It would require some time of line stoppage. I think the last thing she would want is to be hit on by losers during her break.

I think this plan requires an elaborate distraction. Maybe something involving a dancing monkey and some drunk midgets.

Details are still sketchy but I think Operation Bang a Barista -v.2008 is in the initial planning stages.

Still no contact with Fantasygirl. She’s online at the moment, I can see she’s logged into MSN, but she’s clearly ignoring me, or she can’t typed at the moment, because she’s giving her new boyfriend a reacharound. Two of her friends have sent me messages on facebook in the last few days. I briefly considered ignoring the messages, but ultimately I decided that would be immature and childish. Even though immature and childish are my forte(s) (what the fuck is the plural of forte?), I decided to answer back. I think I could fuck both of the chicks that sent me messages. I haven’t fucked any of Fantasygirl’s friends because I just assumed that I ever went after one of her friends, I would never get her, but now….wtf? There’s nothing to lose. Next time I’m drunk I’m going to try and bang her friends. In fact I think the challenge will be to fuck em both as close in time in possible, and keep trying to fuck them closer and closer together. Like I would fuck one in the morning, and one after dinner, and then the a few days later I could fuck one before lunch and then one afterwards. Additional levels of difficulty could be added by telling each one that I was or was planning on fucking the other chick. Maybe I could even yell out Fantasy girl’s name while I was fucking them. That’d be awesome.

Cuckold girl sent me another invitation to her birthday party. She broke up with her boyfriend, but they’re still living together. There’s no way in hell I’m going to a party full of people that are friends with her ex, and be like “hey, i’m the dude that she’s been cheating with for the last 9 months”. I’m sure that’ll go over well. Anyways, Cuckold girl wants to watch a movie tomorrow afternoon. I can count the number of times we’ve done something that didn’t end in sex. That would be one time. I think we did something one time that didn’t end up in sex. I’m pretty sure my penis or her vagina was broken at the time.

Fracture girl, is working tonight, and we’re supposed to get together tomorrow once she’s done. Which could be awkward. I have nothing to entertain her with, cuz I don’t do anything but study and work these days, and there won’t be any alcohol, and she’ll be tired and cranky…so yeah wtf was I thinking insisting we get together.

The Habs

Believe it or not, I’m watching the Habs on CBC right now. Granted their on channel 125 or something, the guy doing the play-by-play has cerebral palsy, the colour is all fucked up, there’s no HD, and they’re playing the islanders, but I don’t give a fuck, cuz I least I get to watch the Habs.

The amazing thing. This is the first time I’ve seen the Habs on CBC in at least 15 years and have yet to hear the announcers openly rooting against the Habs. Usually those racist fucks do everything they can to pump up the audience for the Habs opponents. I’m not worried though. I’m sure we’re a few minutes away from another 30 minute conversation about Mats Sundin’s plans to star in gay porn during the off-season and how that will affect the perception of the hallowed leafs (seems about right to me btw)

On Sportscenter or sportsnet connected this week, the show actually had the following sequence of pieces to their broadcast.

1. Summary of Leafs Game
2. Coaches Post-game press conference
3. Post-game analysis discussion
4. Recap of Leafs Game
5. Another analysis section
6. 5 minute “What if?” if piece discussing the possible trades the Leafs might have made on trade day (These weren’t even trades happened or are going to happen, they were trades that might have happened!!!! I swear Leafs fans are retarded)
7. Recap of all the other games in the NHL

The funniest part though was that the stupid talking heads said that the Habs and leafs had a deal where Sundin was going to be traded for Chris Higgins, a first round draft pick and another player (i think they thought it was Grabs or another pretty decent young guy). Yeah, i’m sure Gainey was willing to make that awful fucking trade.

Before it was over they had Sundin, Kaberle and Tucker traded for like 5 players and 8 draft picks including Steve Stamkos. Further proof that there is nothing dumber than a leafs fan.

…The CBC is having there hot stove league starring Ron Maclean, Deep Throat and the Al Strachan aka Canada’s number one user of adult diapers. I guess they couldn’t afford another person to complete the panel. They’re talking about more rule changes. I swear the NHL is run by nincompoops. LEAVE THE GAME ALONE!!!! The problem is not the game. The problem is the people running the game. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT MARTIN BRODEUR CAN PLAY THE PUCK IN THE CORNER! THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE LEAGUE DOES NOT HAVE A TELEVISION CONTRACT!!!

I think I need to actively campaign to to become commissioner of this league, because clearly I’m the only person paying attention.

The Habs are up 1-0 right now. Either they explode in the 3rd for a couple of goals, or the isles tie it up and it goes to overtime. Have I mentioned that I hate the overtime loss rule yet? I hate the overtime loss yet. I think i need to devote a post to how stupid that rule is.

Also I realize they’re playing the islanders, but Halak is looking pretty solid.

Things I’m planning on buying

Since we apparently have some readers now, or at least people that clicked on the page accidentally. I need to buy a new external hard drive, since my old one died and I lost all my porn. I’m not kidding. ALL MY PRON! I had an extensive collection include some very nice amateur and rare stuff. I’m not kidding myself it’s only a matter of time until I fill up another hard drive. So in anticipation of that, does anyone have any recomendation for external drives that are less likely to fail?

Epilogue

I think that’s all for today. I was looking at some NBA stats yesterday, and I think Jose Calderon the Raptors point guard might be the most underrated player in the NBA

Wow, Kovalev just scored a beauty.

Sorry, so I’m thinking I might need to dedicate a post to that, but it would require some actual research on my behalf.

Also, could Lost have sucked any harder this week? No, it could not.

March 12, 2008

Princess Leia’s

So obviously this blog was started because I was feeling shitty for myself about dreamgirl, and how she and her perfect life want nothing to do with me, and how she’s busy some sucking some other guy’s cock. Which is unfortunate because I’d be perfectly willing to pour chocolate syrup on myself and have her lick it off.

Since I’ve been um….depressed, and a bit angry, and I started a blog which no one reads (which must be a clear sign of insanity) I went to go see a shrink the other day.

Here’s the confusing part. I tell the shrink, that i’m depressed and have a drug problem (i’ve turned into a high functioning pothead). She comes back at the end of the session and tells me I have generalized anxiety disorder. Isn’t psychiatry great? You tell them you have one problem, they come back and tell you what you think your problem is, is not really your problem. What we really need to treat is something entirely different. Oh btw, does your insurance cover this?

The shrink seemed a lot more interested in making sure there was going to be cash money changing hands, and trying to send me to a psychologist for more therapy. I guess the psychologist needs to get paid too. Maybe I’ve just been watching the Wire too much, but I got the impression that I was being Clay Davis’ed.

“You know what the plural of pussy is? Pusssss-eye. Jimmy taught me that” – Bunk

March 10, 2008

How good was the Wire’s finale? It was so fucking good. It was just about perfect.

Honestly series finales usually suck. For some reason I had no doubt that last night’s ep would kick ass. Maybe it was the fact that David Simon is truly incapable of making bad TV, or maybe its because he actually plans his stories out ahead of time instead of just throwing everyone onto an island and never bothers to explain why the fucking button needs to be pushed every 108 minutes.

Television shows usually end 1 of 2 ways. Good shows with shitty ratings get yanked before their time and the creators have to hustle to cram everything they wanted to tell into a condensed arc or episode. Prime examples of this include Farscape,   Carnival, Action (if you can remember that show), or Babylon 5. Babylon 5 – (which sadly is a great story hidden in an incredibly shitty production, just horrible sets, makeup, terrible actors, stilted dialogue. If it wasn’t for the overall arc being so awesome the show would have been relegated to Battlestar Galactica 1980 status) – was interesting because the show was canceled so JMS moved his season 5 story into the second half of season 4. Then the show got UN-Canceled so they had to come up with an entirely new story for season 5 (which didn’t really work out all that well).

The other way shows end are shows that started off good, but then turned to shit as the networks try to pump every last $$$ out of these highly recognizable shows. Cheers, the X-files, ER, the list goes on.

As a result series finales are usually shit. They consist of either compressed stories that are not allocated enough space, or stories that have stayed on the shelf past their due date.

The Wire finale was none of those things. It was perfect.

The wire went out on its own terms. Yeah, those fucks at HBO cut 3 eps this season, and that pretty much killed any chance of the newspaper storyline resonating with viewers. By and large though Simon got to tell his entire story over the course of these 60 eps. Each season had a specific thematic link that tied everything together, and the overall seasons connected to each other thematically as well.

The show is constructed like that. In The Wire everything connects. Every time a character does something, it affects everything else, which is why people have no idea what’s coming next. In a city of over a million people you can’t know who’s shit is going to land in front of you as you’re walking down the street to pick up the paper.

The finale was incredibly adept at tying up loose ends. Almost every storyline got an ending, and new beginning. It effectively showed how everyone is trapped by the lies they tell. These people don’t just trap themselves, they trap each other. They’re trapped to each other.

This couldn’t be delineated more clearly than in last night’s episode. Multiple scenes demonstrated that fact. The scene where Mcnulty tells Templeton to fuck off, or when Freamon realizes that the bosses need them to go quietly, or when Daniels figures out that he’s got as much on Carcetti as they do on him.

I loved the homages they paid to previous episodes. The scene where Daniels and Mcnulty are in the elevator is reminiscent of the scene from the pilot where Rawls is in the elevator and tells one of the higher-ups “You can have him. that Mcnulty son-of-a-bitch is dead to me”.

Duquan turning into Bubbles.

Micheal turning into Omar. You feeling me?

Sydnor turning into Mcnulty. (That scene with the judge was my favorite)

Carver turning into Daniels.

The players on the street continuing to grind and playing the game.

The difference between The Wire and everything else on TV is that there is no filler in the wire. There are no Nikki and Paulo episodes. Fonzzy doesn’t jump the shark. Sam doesn’t get Rebecca. Ross and Rachel don’t date. I can’t think of a single episode, a single scene in the wire that didn’t have a larger point, that wasn’t relevant to the larger story Simon and Co. were telling.

I honestly don’t think we’ll ever see another show like this. The amount of research that went into this show…the writers of this show went out and essentially used the date they collected to write a scientific study (albeit it a descriptive study) on the workings of a major metropolitan city in the 21st century.

It’s kinda depressing that there isn’t anything even remotely as good out there. People love shows like the Sopranos or Lost or Battlestar Galactica, but for every Pine Barrens”  there’s 5 episodes of Tony scratching his balls or having metaphorical out of body Grouper sandwich, for every ” Live Together, Die Alone  there’s a Exposé ,  for every “Exodus, Part 2” there’s a “Scar“.

I defy you to find me even a single scene in over 60 hours of television that is the Wire that qualifies as filler. The Wire will be missed. Thank you David Simon.

(oh yeah, I was way off on my predictions, except for Dukie,Templeton and Carcetti. But those were kinda obvious)

The Wire